O Fear, where did you go?
You were swallowed up by Faith.
I feel your presence waning,
The support of your feathers disappearing
The first moments without -
I'm gasping for breath.
This weight I've worn for as
Long as I've known time
Has released abruptly,
Catapulting my lightened body into the atmosphere -
I'm floating.
And I don't know how to float.
I don't know what to do with my limbs,
Nor handle myself with grace.
This unfamiliar motion brings an initial panic.
O Fear, where are you?
How I long for you to bring me down.
To settle me to safety.
To a place where I don't move,
Nor have a care in the world,
But merely tremble in complacency,
Paired with a constant aching in my head from
The strain of doubt, men-pleasing and inadequacy.
O Fear, Where are you?
You are to me a comfort -
A place of reliable security...
You're a commodity, a wonder,
An enigma that excels in deceit.
Your awarded best disguise -
An inviting dove at first sight,
But you move in like a famished vulture.
You are cunningly clever with
All your gripping trickery.
Your comfort is no comfort at all.
It is a means of loneliness,
Relentless darkness.
I stand immobile in my pool of tears and
You mock me.
You betray the very fabric of my being -
With every ounce of trust I put in you,
You give back a pound of hate,
All with words of kindness spoken
As you pile on the immeasurable weight.
You have made me the champion of nightmares,
The prevailing warrior of worry.
All that seemed lovely is not crowned with disgust.
O Fear, Where did you go?
You were swallowed up by Faith.
And as I'm floating above all the earth,
Viewing the remians below with the most suffecient clarity,
I can see the mess you have made -
And I've been lifted.
I'll leave you to rot in your own filth.
I can breathe.
Your twisted charm is not longer magical.
Good riddance, Fear, farewell.
Your weight has no pull,
For it cannot reach as high as I.
Where Light and Love supply all the true means of comfort.
Where I'm no longer hindered by false accusations,
But I'm carried by Truth.
Friday, September 13, 2013
All of me
(Originally written sometime in July)
My soul pours forth songs in the night;
I awake and the melody remains.
The part of faith that requires faith
Is being steadfast and sure
Even when nothing seen seems sure.
When your feelings tell you that you should give up.
When nothing resembles the movement towards completion.
My heart is drawn out.
The culmination of desire and patience
Pushes me to my limits.
It is a combination that I'm not too familiar with.
The calm, yet longing...
How do you reconcile these two?
How long will I have to wait?
I tell you the array of emotions
That have been provoked and experienced
Have been to me like a whirlwind.
From the greatest joy to seemingly unbearable turmoil.
Yet my heart still praises.
And I do not despair.
He continues to lead me and show faithfulness in
The most trying and unforeseen moments.
He keeps surprising me and
Lifting me up.
Its pain to die.
To lay down your life.
But with it comes great reward.
My soul pours forth songs in the night;
I awake and the melody remains.
The part of faith that requires faith
Is being steadfast and sure
Even when nothing seen seems sure.
When your feelings tell you that you should give up.
When nothing resembles the movement towards completion.
My heart is drawn out.
The culmination of desire and patience
Pushes me to my limits.
It is a combination that I'm not too familiar with.
The calm, yet longing...
How do you reconcile these two?
How long will I have to wait?
I tell you the array of emotions
That have been provoked and experienced
Have been to me like a whirlwind.
From the greatest joy to seemingly unbearable turmoil.
Yet my heart still praises.
And I do not despair.
He continues to lead me and show faithfulness in
The most trying and unforeseen moments.
He keeps surprising me and
Lifting me up.
Its pain to die.
To lay down your life.
But with it comes great reward.
God in His Kindness
Written on 8/22/13 -
If there is one thing I know and have experienced through this season, it is the kindness and mercy of God. His powerful grace and His unrelenting, proactive love for me.
I think that I will look back on this time and be overwhelmed at just how much God protected, loved and cared for me. I am only seeing a little bit of the effects, but I wonder if later, as things come to pass or come to completion (things He's teaching me, implementing or striping away) I will see much, much more. I hope my eyes are open and seeing. In this season my eyes have been opened to things that I was blinded to for a long time. And its kind of shaken me up a bit. Makes me wonder what else I am blind to, in the spirit. It is a comfort to know that He did indeed open my eyes to see, and I have to trust that it was for a reason. Maybe to bring me here, maybe for protection... maybe just to learn again, in a different way, how much I still need Him. How much I don't know. That I am still prone to these things and to justifying things.
I've been contemplating on my justification and I think that I do this a lot more than I'd like to admit. I justify a lot of things... usually based on feeling. If I don't "feel" the conviction, I don't consider it justification or compromise. But that is the time when all the more I need to remain faithful with pursuing holiness based off of the way Jesus is moving in my life and His truth. Whether or not I "feel" bad about it or whatever, when I know what I'm doing is unholy yet still do it, it is sin. So I should be firm in faith even when it contradicts what I feel in the moment. Its about a resolution. A way of living in any regard.
If there is one thing I know and have experienced through this season, it is the kindness and mercy of God. His powerful grace and His unrelenting, proactive love for me.
I think that I will look back on this time and be overwhelmed at just how much God protected, loved and cared for me. I am only seeing a little bit of the effects, but I wonder if later, as things come to pass or come to completion (things He's teaching me, implementing or striping away) I will see much, much more. I hope my eyes are open and seeing. In this season my eyes have been opened to things that I was blinded to for a long time. And its kind of shaken me up a bit. Makes me wonder what else I am blind to, in the spirit. It is a comfort to know that He did indeed open my eyes to see, and I have to trust that it was for a reason. Maybe to bring me here, maybe for protection... maybe just to learn again, in a different way, how much I still need Him. How much I don't know. That I am still prone to these things and to justifying things.
I've been contemplating on my justification and I think that I do this a lot more than I'd like to admit. I justify a lot of things... usually based on feeling. If I don't "feel" the conviction, I don't consider it justification or compromise. But that is the time when all the more I need to remain faithful with pursuing holiness based off of the way Jesus is moving in my life and His truth. Whether or not I "feel" bad about it or whatever, when I know what I'm doing is unholy yet still do it, it is sin. So I should be firm in faith even when it contradicts what I feel in the moment. Its about a resolution. A way of living in any regard.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Change
I think that sometimes we can get so caught up in what we do: our location, our job, our daily activities... at least I know that I do. While I believe the Lord is sovereign over each of out lives, and always works things out for good to those that love Him, I just keep thinking that maybe we put too much emphasis on "doing" the "right" thing... making the right move, taking the right job, etc... those are the things we see as obedience. And I know that the Lord IS specific with us, He leads us, helps us make the choices that are going to be best for us and that will bring Him most glory. But if its true that He is always with us, and nothing can separate us, and that we make plans but He directs our steps, then does it really matter (mostly) what we choose to do? Or what we make plans to do?
I wonder if in our waiting of receiving confirmation after confirmation that what we are going to move forward in is indeed what please the Lord, we just don't move at all because we are hesitant and fearful with the wrong kind of fear. When sometimes I just wonder if the Lord isn't seeing it with that perspective. If we move out of faith and trust that God will direct our steps. I have thought a lot recently about Paul mentioning in His letters of how he desires to go and see certain peoples and that he has made attempts to see them but they never worked out. I don't think it was displeasing to the Lord for Paul to begin to make a journey to see these people, but the Lord had other things in mind for him, and He directed Paul's steps to fulfill those plans.
I just wonder if its part of the deception of the enemy to get us so focused on doing these physical things to "please" the Lord rather than searching inward and pleasing Him with the state of our attitude, with loving Him with our heart and seeking peace, righteousness and holiness. Romans 12:17 - For the Kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If we seek these things, and love the Lord with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, then I think the choices we make will already be what is pleasing to the Lord because most likely they will be unselfish and based off of the desires that the Lord has placed in us rather than what we have placed within ourselves.
He desires good for us. He knows what's best for each of us. His ways are so mysterious and so much higher than our ways. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around how we works everything together. He knows everything that is to come - in each of our lives. Yet gives us the privilege to choose - but its already known - and he works it all out for good. He is sovereign to let us choose but to already know what we will do. Ecclesiastes 3:15 - "That which is has been already and that which will be has already been, for God seeks that which has passed by."
I want to BE someone pleasing to the Lord... He does not desire for us to worry about the decisions we make or the things we do. A fruit of the Spirit is peace. Jesus is the prince of peace. He came to bring us peace. Peace of soul and spirit. Peace of mind. Why can't we just live content in our situations and take each day as it comes. We do not know what the next five minutes of our life will bring. Something could happen that could drastically change our lives, or nothing could happen at all. But we cannot anticipate what might happen. I think we just have to trust God as our Father who loves us and our Lord who is in control over our lives. That as we walk in Him, He takes us where we need to go - not necessarily where we want to go, or think we will go.
Our purpose is to fellowship with Him, to love Him, to bring glory to His name, to abide in Him, share His love with others... Others things are just what we do to get by during our time here on earth. I do believe the Lord is specific with us about our lives and does tell us things, so when we know that, we should walk in obedience. But then I think there are times when the Lord doesn't give us the answers as clearly as others. When we ask, we receive. But we receive the way He wants to give it.
I just want to live a life that is honouring to Him. A good point was made during a conversation I was having with my wise friend, Krista. That in everything we do, we are either gratifying our flesh or our spirit. And they are always in opposition with one another. So in any decision we make, there will be discomfort or displeasure of some kind, either towards our flesh or towards our spirit. Either way, one side will be unhappy and unfulfilled. Which one would you rather live with. Discomfort of flesh or discomfort of spirit. While in the flesh it may cause some suffering, but you can bear through it. Discomfort of spirit will tear you apart, with anxiety and restlessness. So what will I choose?
I wonder if in our waiting of receiving confirmation after confirmation that what we are going to move forward in is indeed what please the Lord, we just don't move at all because we are hesitant and fearful with the wrong kind of fear. When sometimes I just wonder if the Lord isn't seeing it with that perspective. If we move out of faith and trust that God will direct our steps. I have thought a lot recently about Paul mentioning in His letters of how he desires to go and see certain peoples and that he has made attempts to see them but they never worked out. I don't think it was displeasing to the Lord for Paul to begin to make a journey to see these people, but the Lord had other things in mind for him, and He directed Paul's steps to fulfill those plans.
I just wonder if its part of the deception of the enemy to get us so focused on doing these physical things to "please" the Lord rather than searching inward and pleasing Him with the state of our attitude, with loving Him with our heart and seeking peace, righteousness and holiness. Romans 12:17 - For the Kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If we seek these things, and love the Lord with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, then I think the choices we make will already be what is pleasing to the Lord because most likely they will be unselfish and based off of the desires that the Lord has placed in us rather than what we have placed within ourselves.
He desires good for us. He knows what's best for each of us. His ways are so mysterious and so much higher than our ways. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around how we works everything together. He knows everything that is to come - in each of our lives. Yet gives us the privilege to choose - but its already known - and he works it all out for good. He is sovereign to let us choose but to already know what we will do. Ecclesiastes 3:15 - "That which is has been already and that which will be has already been, for God seeks that which has passed by."
I want to BE someone pleasing to the Lord... He does not desire for us to worry about the decisions we make or the things we do. A fruit of the Spirit is peace. Jesus is the prince of peace. He came to bring us peace. Peace of soul and spirit. Peace of mind. Why can't we just live content in our situations and take each day as it comes. We do not know what the next five minutes of our life will bring. Something could happen that could drastically change our lives, or nothing could happen at all. But we cannot anticipate what might happen. I think we just have to trust God as our Father who loves us and our Lord who is in control over our lives. That as we walk in Him, He takes us where we need to go - not necessarily where we want to go, or think we will go.
Our purpose is to fellowship with Him, to love Him, to bring glory to His name, to abide in Him, share His love with others... Others things are just what we do to get by during our time here on earth. I do believe the Lord is specific with us about our lives and does tell us things, so when we know that, we should walk in obedience. But then I think there are times when the Lord doesn't give us the answers as clearly as others. When we ask, we receive. But we receive the way He wants to give it.
I just want to live a life that is honouring to Him. A good point was made during a conversation I was having with my wise friend, Krista. That in everything we do, we are either gratifying our flesh or our spirit. And they are always in opposition with one another. So in any decision we make, there will be discomfort or displeasure of some kind, either towards our flesh or towards our spirit. Either way, one side will be unhappy and unfulfilled. Which one would you rather live with. Discomfort of flesh or discomfort of spirit. While in the flesh it may cause some suffering, but you can bear through it. Discomfort of spirit will tear you apart, with anxiety and restlessness. So what will I choose?
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
On my heart today -
O! I just want to do what's pleasing to the Lord. I want to love Him with my whole heart. I want to trust Him with my entire life... not clinging to anything... counting it all as loss for the sake of knowing Him...
The beauty of His life and Spirit..
The power of His name...
His Spirit living in me...
This is what life is about. His glory, His love, His light, His delight. He is for me not against me and does everything for my good because HE is a GOOD FATHER. I want to yield myself to Him in all aspects of life. To love His people... to show mercy to those who are hopeless and have never known mercy. To bring His truth and light to those around me.
I don't want to follow my own agenda... but let Him move me the way He desires, for Him to be in control of my heart. To be of sound mind. To be free of fear.
I've been feeling/experiencing Him moving my heart and giving me peace and I can sense that He is starting to do a new work in me... but I have also been experiencing the part of me that is not yielding completely to it or maybe just not sure how to handle it... But I need to relax, let his currents lead me wherever. Ultimately, that is where I want to be, that is where I want to end up - right where He wants me. I think I'm just not sure where I'm going or how I need to react. I need to just trust Him in this process and journey. He will take care of me. I don't have to fully understand what is going on in order for Him to manifest Himself in me and for Him to do His work.
I have realized in the past couple of days that I have been letting myself go in many areas. I have gotten lost in excitement over a bunch of things that have occurred and have been brought into my life the past few months, and with that excitement came neglect of responsibility and just doing things without thinking about them. Not being concerned with pleasing the Lord in all things, but just doing whatever I wanted to do or joining in with others even if it went against conviction and standards I have for my life. This was an extreme wake-up call for me. And I feel like I have just snapped out of it and now its to to redeem these things and walk according to love and truth and holiness. Being loyal to Jesus first and foremost.
I am looking forward to what's ahead. Even though I don't understand everything the Lord is doing currently, I know there will come a time when it will all come to completion and I will look back and see the glory of His work. And I pray that it will be all for His glory. And that I will not solely rely on feeling or emotion, but I trust in Him at all times.
I pray for your wisdom, Jesus. That your truth would be fresh on my lips and on my heart each day. His wisdom is supreme. His wisdom is above all. His counsel is pure. He gives without measure - His wisdom and grace. Mmmm... He is so delightful.
This was written a couple of weeks ago:
Its so easy for me to focus inward on my own struggles and concerns... it distracts me from the day to day interaction with people I come in contact with... It may keep me from a blessing, it may keep me from being a blessing... it may keep me from being in prayer, from being thankful, from looking outward and seeing the concerns and needs of those around me. Its just distracting! And wearisome! And it keeps your from truly remembering the faithfulness of God! And His complete and trustworthy control over my life!
I really just need to get my shit together! I need to discipline myself to do the things that I don't really want to do... for instance... waking up in the morning. For whatever reason I do not want wake up. I just want to sleep. And last night I kept falling asleep and waking up, every 30-60 minutes from like 3 AM on... I really probably needed to get up and spend time in prayer, truly in the presence of Jesus... I'm struggling today and maybe I wouldn't be had I done that.. focused my heart and mind... looked heavenward rather than looking at these insignificant and unnecessary worries. There is a whole new life in Christ... a completely different world... full of excitement and joy and pleasure... full of discovery and wonder...
I really miss writing... I love expressing myself through written word... Its my most effective avenue of communication and I can sort of get lost in it. I love putting words together in a beautiful form, using analogies, pictures, forming new thoughts, new ideas... I love looking back on something I wrote (prose or poetry) and thinking "I wrote that?!? I don't remember writing that.." I love being really shocked and impressed with something I've written in the past.
I like dancing. I would like to be so free spirited that I would dance in public like a little flower child with no care in the world. I want to be my own version of a Jesus-following hippie.. a spirit-filled hippie... full of grace and faith...
I really just need to get my shit together! I need to discipline myself to do the things that I don't really want to do... for instance... waking up in the morning. For whatever reason I do not want wake up. I just want to sleep. And last night I kept falling asleep and waking up, every 30-60 minutes from like 3 AM on... I really probably needed to get up and spend time in prayer, truly in the presence of Jesus... I'm struggling today and maybe I wouldn't be had I done that.. focused my heart and mind... looked heavenward rather than looking at these insignificant and unnecessary worries. There is a whole new life in Christ... a completely different world... full of excitement and joy and pleasure... full of discovery and wonder...
I really miss writing... I love expressing myself through written word... Its my most effective avenue of communication and I can sort of get lost in it. I love putting words together in a beautiful form, using analogies, pictures, forming new thoughts, new ideas... I love looking back on something I wrote (prose or poetry) and thinking "I wrote that?!? I don't remember writing that.." I love being really shocked and impressed with something I've written in the past.
I like dancing. I would like to be so free spirited that I would dance in public like a little flower child with no care in the world. I want to be my own version of a Jesus-following hippie.. a spirit-filled hippie... full of grace and faith...
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Out of the Shadows
"Its time for you to come out of the shadows." "Coming out party." "You've been in the shadows too long."
I've been hearing these things for the past couple of months... What does this mean? How will I come out of the shadows? Lord, what are you about to do?
I want to be a part of the Lord's plan... following, adhering, listening, obeying... giving Him all rights to my heart and life.
I don't claim that I understand what this means exactly... or in what regards I've been in the shadows and need to come out of..
But I've been realizing recently just how guarded, how hidden I am within myself. And how I've been that way for as long as I can remember.
The Lord s getting ready to do a new thing in me. I believe it. I'm anticipating it. I'm excited for it. I don't know how or what it will look like. But I can sense it.
I'm tired of the wearing the same definitions that I've worn since I was a child... the things I believed about myself.. thinking that I'm the same person now that I was then... that because I was afraid then that I still have to be afraid now. I want break free of those limitations.
For as much as I hate definitions and labels, I sure do keep a lot them tagged to myself. Its time for a new garment. To do the things I want to... to say the things I want to... to give freely of myself... without fear. To love unhindered... to not be bound by things of the past. To come out of the shadows. Because the Lord has given me much so that I may give to others. And I have a lot to offer... I have things to give. And it will be powerful... it can change hearts and lives... but because its not mine. Its time time to stop keeping everything shut up within myself... step out in faith.
Now, I'm not sure how to go about doing this. Just take it a day at a time... listening to the Spirit... having faith... not hesitating.
I've been thinking about how this habit, if not broken and changed, will effect my relationship with my husband and my children. How will I be an effective, gracious, truth-speaking woman/wife/mother if I keep things to myself? I want to pour myself out as much as I can. I want to pour out. Pour out. POUR OUT. With springs of living water from which I draw my supply; it flows in abundance and will never run dry.
How do I give? O, Lord, let me give! You have given me so much love... you have shown me so much love... overwhelming amounts... my mind cannot comprehend, but my spirit runs wild. I can't explain it, but I'm experiencing it. I don't want to keep this shut up. I don't want to keep this in the shadows. Love, let me come out! Bring me out! I'm willing... I lose my mind, all my self-preserving inhibition, all the hovering falsehoods... I step out of those and into You. I hide myself in YOU. Out of the shadows... into Your light.
I love Your light.
I've been hearing these things for the past couple of months... What does this mean? How will I come out of the shadows? Lord, what are you about to do?
I want to be a part of the Lord's plan... following, adhering, listening, obeying... giving Him all rights to my heart and life.
I don't claim that I understand what this means exactly... or in what regards I've been in the shadows and need to come out of..
But I've been realizing recently just how guarded, how hidden I am within myself. And how I've been that way for as long as I can remember.
The Lord s getting ready to do a new thing in me. I believe it. I'm anticipating it. I'm excited for it. I don't know how or what it will look like. But I can sense it.
I'm tired of the wearing the same definitions that I've worn since I was a child... the things I believed about myself.. thinking that I'm the same person now that I was then... that because I was afraid then that I still have to be afraid now. I want break free of those limitations.
For as much as I hate definitions and labels, I sure do keep a lot them tagged to myself. Its time for a new garment. To do the things I want to... to say the things I want to... to give freely of myself... without fear. To love unhindered... to not be bound by things of the past. To come out of the shadows. Because the Lord has given me much so that I may give to others. And I have a lot to offer... I have things to give. And it will be powerful... it can change hearts and lives... but because its not mine. Its time time to stop keeping everything shut up within myself... step out in faith.
Now, I'm not sure how to go about doing this. Just take it a day at a time... listening to the Spirit... having faith... not hesitating.
I've been thinking about how this habit, if not broken and changed, will effect my relationship with my husband and my children. How will I be an effective, gracious, truth-speaking woman/wife/mother if I keep things to myself? I want to pour myself out as much as I can. I want to pour out. Pour out. POUR OUT. With springs of living water from which I draw my supply; it flows in abundance and will never run dry.
How do I give? O, Lord, let me give! You have given me so much love... you have shown me so much love... overwhelming amounts... my mind cannot comprehend, but my spirit runs wild. I can't explain it, but I'm experiencing it. I don't want to keep this shut up. I don't want to keep this in the shadows. Love, let me come out! Bring me out! I'm willing... I lose my mind, all my self-preserving inhibition, all the hovering falsehoods... I step out of those and into You. I hide myself in YOU. Out of the shadows... into Your light.
I love Your light.
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