Evasion

I recently become aware of an evasion of my life.  This feeling of discomfort coupled with sorrow is not one I hold in favour.  In fact, I dislike the feeling very much... the feeling that you've lost pieces of life.  The small, secret moments that should be remembered forever, are actually distorted.

Do you ever come away from a moment in time with no real solid memory?  Perhaps it was a party of some sort, a simple visit with a good friend, a holiday with family, a road trip, something pleasing that should remain with you always, but all you can recall is the food you ate, the movies you watched, the thoughts in your head, the anger or offense you felt, the clothes you wore and how you felt in them, the rush of time... I have begun to realize this pattern in my life, though not a consistent pattern, of doing these very things mentioned.  Sometimes I find I walk away from precious moments in life remembering things and events, but not remembering faces.  It is a sinking feeling to have no recollection of looking in a person's eyes, remembering their laugh, their responses and expressions, their joy and pain or the history they may have shared.

Then I realize that I sometimes fear people.  Fear real connection between human beings.  Sometimes I am uncomfortable with vulnerability, with honesty, with opening myself up to love wholeheartedly.  And sometimes I'm more focused on getting through the present so I can get to the future... I'm more enthralled with actual experiences than I am with the people sharing in the experience.  But that's a part of what creates the beauty of life... When I don't relish the gift of the human connection and neglect relationship and eye contact, I wind up missing the whole magnificent gift held within a moment; I find the permanence of memories easily elude me.  Then comes the breathless realization that I can never return to collect the pieces I left.

To absorb every ounce of life is the sum of it all, sights, smells, touch, laughter and people.  Life is more than just merely existing.  Our hearts were meant to engage with the people around us, not preserve ourselves from love or heartache.  Our eyes were meant to connect with each other's eyes, not avoid them for fear of exposure of truth.  I must slow down and savour each encounter; study the lines and curves of each face and hear word and emotion expressed.  Life is much better lived not alone and making the most of every opportunity and smiling with true joy, contentment and thankfulness, hoping that you can give some away to those around you.  I must know that I have much to give to others and also much to gain.  There is no need for fear, only to have freedom.  I want my life to be full of these genuine treasures, not regrets.

Bravery.

In times of peril, will I prove myself cowardly or valiant?

In reflection of certain things in my past, I sometimes think I had more courage when I was younger than I do now.  Without admitting or acknowledging to myself, I think I, more often than not, avoid situations that would make me brave.  I don't like being afraid, uncomfortable or vulnerable.  I don't even look in its direction, and when I do, its a struggle.

Where do I go from here?  What do I choose: cowardice or bravery?  From the simple things to the extreme things.  Will I become paralyzed or embrace freedom?  Who will I depend on and look to: myself or my Shepherd?

I know what I have been doing... but now I must choose humbled bravery.

Current Splendour

Just a few things I've been loving recently:

• This website: Darling Magazine and their mission
• David Platt's sermons on Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood [#'s 27 & 28]
• The Chronicles of Narnia Books
• The Love Saga movies 
• Homemade fresh, crisp, cold veggie sandwiches
• Cooking
• Drums in Underoath's album Define the Great Line
• India

Comparison

Sometimes while doing ordinary, everyday-life activities, I like to think of how it compares to life with Jesus Christ and my walk of faith.  I do it the most when I run.  The other night I was running on a beautiful night.  I believe the Spirit was giving me a picture of Himself.  It was a little over a week ago, so I hope I can remember everything.

As I was running, I was trying to imagine Jesus really running with me and what that would be like.  That transmitted to thinking about life with Him spiritually, but through pictures and real life images.  There are different phases, or types, if you will, while running with Christ.  [As a disclaimer, I don't think you can apply every "running" scenario to life with Jesus, nor do I think that every scenario I imagine is the finite, only way He works.  He can do much more and beyond.  These are just a few simple pictures of SOME of the ways He works.  Not in any particular order.  There is much, much more of Him to be discovered than this.]

You are running [on whatever path you imagine].  Jesus is running in front of you.  You are simply following.  You feel protected and safe.  You trust wear He goes.  You don't even have to ask questions; you just follow.  It's easier to breathe, easier to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You know you are safe.  

After a while He drifts back a little.  Now He is running right beside you.  This is so nice.  You can talk to Him better; You can hear His voice and know what He is saying when He decides to speak.  You love to feel  His arm bump against yours as you run; it brings you comfort.  You still are not worried where He is taking you.  Sometimes He'll tell you His plans beforehand, sometimes He just lets you follow His lead.  

He tells you to keep the pace and begins to run behind you.  It feels a little strange to you.  You feel vulnerable and more exposed without Him in front of beside you.  You furrow your brow dart your eyes back and forth.  You keep looking back Him, but He tells you to look forward.  He's still calling the shots, just from behind.  Now you merely following His voice.  Once He begins to speak and tell you where to go, you are put to ease.  But... He doesn't always tell you they way in advance.  Sometimes, when there is a split in the path and He hasn't told you which way to go, you just have to aim for one direction, at times He'll let you keep going the way you chose, others He will call out the way He wants to go in the nick of time.  This is a little more difficult than you thought.  This is really starting to stretch your trust in Him.  But in your love for Him, you endure.  

All of a sudden He starts telling you directions and instructions for the time ahead.  He says, "Remember My words."  You try to sufficiently take in all He's said.  But some of it just doesn't make sense!  You keep on running ahead for what seems like hours and hours, occasionally reminding yourself of all He told you.  You come to another split in the road.  Two options: left or right.  You turn your head to look at Jesus.  He is gone.  You are confused.  He never told you He was leaving.  You slow your pace and come to a stop at the entrance of each new path.  You begin to cry.  Your tears turn into weeping and form pools of sorrow by your feet.  You remember when He said, "You must go right..."   But as you look right, the path seems to drop off,  You don't understand why He would tell you to go that way.  The left path looks pretty and safe and sure.  You struggle for a while, grunt your teeth and run to the right.  "...when you're on this path, run hard and don't stop."  

With tears streaming down your face, thousands of thoughts swim around in your mind: He is good; He is trustworthy; He gives joy and peace; He is fun; He is serious; You long for Him again, but you cling to the words He spoke before He left.  As you approach what appears to be a ledge, you close your eyes and keep running, trusting Him through the absurdity.  When you think you should start falling, you open open your eyes and notice you are running downhill.  In relief, you laugh and wonder why you ever doubted.  You keep on running longing for Jesus and why He left, all the while...

He is soaring above you.

Longing

O, how my heart is longing.  It is longing for so many things: life, laughter, joy, beauty, simplicity, new experiences, enjoyment of life, to live life with friends, so see Sarah in December, to be home, to do more than I am, to truly know God and to live with His mindset, not mine or the world's.

I feel like I'm in anticipation for something, but I don't know what it is.

I want to long for the right things.  I don't want my heart to stray for things that will become a snare or will draw me away from purity and devotion to Christ.  I want to understand what it means to enjoy life and to see beauty in the simple things, but through His lens.  I want to experience life in Him to the fullest... whatever that means.  I want to rid myself of the perceptions I have or think I should have and the perceptions that other people have and cling to and seek out the perception of God.  How hard it seems when my mind and heart often drifts back and forth, being fickle as it is.  Sometimes it's hard to discern between the perception of God and the deception of my heart.

This is how I am today... the things that I am contemplating.  We'll see how long it remains.  It may be something completely new in a few days, something that could be contradicting these very things I am longing for.  Or at least longing in a different way.  I just hope that when the thoughts of my heart change, they change by the leading of Jesus.

Remembering

O how the days swim past me.
I forget to glance at the rocks to hold on to.
You have saved me from a life of hate and
Have given me love.
I see the darkness of the waters
Yet I do not fear.
For there is a light in Your eyes
That clears the way for me.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
You have made atonement for me.
How could I ever repay?

O how time sails by me.
Though I try,
With much travail,
 I can't seem To secure the wind.
Yet You seem to stop its movement.
The shaking underneath my feet subsides.
You bring me up to safety and
Carry me home.

Guided by forgotten memories,
I sink back into wonder.
I don't remember what a great plague
You have rescued me from.
The disease of discontentment;
The trickery of dissatisfaction;
The torment of brutal lies.
Living a double life is no fantasy.
You parted the clouds and
Made a way for the sun to shine.
Now the light in Your eyes is deep in my heart.
I will not be ashamed of You,
My Forever Love.
You are,
And the truth shall not be hidden.

Routines

Sometimes I think routines can be a snare, for many reasons... remember, I said sometimes.  I think routines or schedules can be good for a time for someone who has no self-control in their lives and wastes their lives with laziness and sin.  It could be a way for them to make a feasible plan to fill their days with productivity and truth.

However, I was contemplating routines and schedules for myself.  How they can sometimes becomes overpoweringly selfish.  You focus your day, your life, around the plan you have laid out.  It can even simply be what you've planned for dinner for the week.  I know for me, when I get on a routine, I don't want anything to interfere [or eat my food, etc.] and if something does get in the way, my mind is thinking about when I can get back to my plan.

What happened to a man makes his plans but the LORD directs his steps?

I think routines can often keep us from the leading of the Holy Spirit.  We already have something set in our minds about what we will do with our time and resources, and that's the final say.  We get so determined to finish what we set out to do or see the result we want to achieve.  Like when I was doing the Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30 program.  I was very committed and desperately wanted to see results.  I followed her even followed her eating plan.  The first week I spent way over my normal budget for food.  I would get up early to workout and if I missed in the morning, I would do it at night, nothing would make me miss my workout.  I could see myself becoming a little obsessed with not only my routine, but with the results.  It became very hard at times to give up those things for something else, for people, for Jesus.

I think it's good to have order, but I know that I need to be careful not to go overboard, but remain submissive to the Spirit.  Life is NOT about order and about having everything together and perfect.  What we DO need to perfect is our faith, our love, and the only person who can do that is Jesus the Christ.

Post-examination

In regard to the last post, it might sound a bit extreme.  I'm not claiming that God is going to make our lives miserable or anything.  God is a good Father and does provide for His children.  I do, however, think there is fine line that we need to be careful not to cross.  With thankful heart we receive the blessings of the LORD, but we do not horde our gifts to ourselves like greedy children, instead we give from what we've been given [money, time, shelter, love, comfort, joy, wisdom, etc...].  It is better to give than to receive.

I'm not saying that the things we do are always bad, but what is best?  I think sometimes we are given a choice as to what we will do with our lives.  Take Paul for instance, after all his travels and preaching the gospel in many places, he purposed in his spirit to make his way to Jerusalem, though people begged him not to go.  After a long journey, with many stops, from Macedonia to Caesarea, a town nearby Jerusalem, a prophet named Agabus from Judea came to Philip's house where Paul was staying.  Acts 21 - 11.And coming to us. he took Paul's belt and bound his own feet and hands, and said, "this is what the Holy Spirit says: 'In this way the Jews at Jerusalem will bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles.'" 12.When he had heard this, we as well as the local residents began begging him not to go up to Jerusalem. 13.Then Paul answered, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart?  For I am ready not only to be bound, but to even die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus."  

He had the choice to choose life in the world, or death resulting in life.  He chose what was best.  He did not consider his life on earth something of value, but held Jesus in his view as the treasure of his heart.  He pressed on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Jesus Christ [Phil 3:14].  I have the choice to do this every day.  

Do I want the permissible life or the beneficial life? 

My Examination

I am reading a book called The Death of a Guru by Rabi R. Maharaj.  It's an autobiography of [Rabi] who grew up in Trinidad as a Hindu [who later becomes a follower of Jesus of Nazareth].  I am not even half way through and it is already given me more insight than I've ever had on this religion as Rabi intricately recalls events, conversations, thoughts, information of his life and Hinduism.

As I was reading and pondering the intense, ACTIVE devotion these people have for these many false gods, I can't help but wonder why more people are like that here in the US.  It seems that the majority of people who are devout in some type of religion are those who belong to another continent, another culture.  Take Hindi's for example.  They hunger to worship something, anything.  They worship cows and delight in serving them, they worship people, living or dead, they adorn their house with statues or pictures of gods. They attend ceremonies, are sent away to schools, spend hours upon hours in meditation, sometimes even neglecting their families and responsibilities.  Parents are consistent in teaching their children in their ways.  And that's only a brief summary of what I know.

It's easy to see that the Hindi's have given their lives to their false gods... and with that inevitably to the devil.  People are hungry for worship.  So where is this hunger for worship with the people in my own town, state, country?  Is what we hunger for a little more subtle that a statue of a god?  

As I reflect on these questions, many things are brought to mind.  I observe the adornments in the homes, luxury, comfort, wealth.  I see the attendance of a band's concert; the adoration of a person who can sing well.  The revenue of the movie industry and the applause from an actor as they win an award.  The pursuit of great knowledge and wisdom.  I see the crave of power or fame.  The obsession of vanity and model-esque beauty.  I see the man addicted to drugs.  The neglecting of families to pursue your ultimate dream and become the best at that instead of being the best at being a parent.  The list goes on...

I realize that our tendencies are all the same, they just play our differently.  It is in our hearts to worship.  Just like the Hindi boy, I wonder if I too have been deceived from birth by these things that don't seem bad but just the way things are.  It's really easy for us to say to the Hindi who becomes a believer in Jesus, "Get rid of everything associated with Hinduism.  Burn up all the pictures, destroy all the statues, completely devoid your life of everything you've ever known and built your life on since birth," which is what they should WANT to do if they are truly repentant and Jesus has really captured their heart, yet it's really hard for us to believe that for ourselves.  We continue to live the lives we've lived since birth.  Live in luxury, comfort, always getting what we want, not really changing anything about our lifestyle and thoughts.  It's rampant in the church today.  It begs to ask the question, does Jesus really have our full heart?  

I think we hunger just as much for worship as any other person, it is just not towards a god who has a name or its own religion.  Its the idea that we can serve the God of the Bible and the world simultaneously.  Are we making compromises in our lives that are interpreted as, "I can have the best of both worlds" - one that loves Jesus and also has a great, wonderful life in which there is no cost?  Man, are we missing out or what on what Jesus really has in store for us?!  

I think an examination is due.  What consumes your thoughts, controls your money and time, defines your life?  What has your heart?

Matthew 6:24 - No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and wealth.

O, God.  Protect me and shield my heart.  Keep me from the evil one.  Help me to fear your Holy name and give my life for you.  Help me to count the cost and co unt it all as loss for the sake of knowing you.  You are worth it.

Decision-time.

In regards to the last paragraph in my last post, I think my mind will start focusing on work again.  I was really weighed down last week, avoiding telling someone dear to my heart about a decision that would effect us both.  Yesterday, I made that decision.  The weight is gone and my mind is clear again.  I feel like my soul has entered into God's rest as I take a step of faith.

I am moving home.

Unpredictable

Life is unpredictable.

Things don't usually go how you expect them to.

I feel like the direction of my life changes so often.  Though not necessarily literally.  About a month ago I was learning a set of specific things, I could see the direction of my heart and mind and potentially what I would learn about next and how that would effect where my life would literally go.  Then as I look at the current surrounding scenery I realize [my heart and mind] are in a completely different place than I thought I would be.

I can't determine whether that's a good thing or not.  I don't know if its me just wandering around, or if I'm following.  Maybe a mixture of both.  I suppose that there are trails that you may never intended to go down, but they wind up leading you right back to the path you originally set out on.  I even suppose that as you are on a stray path, that God could make-shift a trail for you.  Nothing is impossible.  You may even have to just cut through the dark, beast-and-insect-infected wood that lies between where you are and where you should be.

With all that said, I'm not suggesting that I AM on a wayward path.  I'm really trying to say that the direction of the Lord's is unpredictable.  And I hope that I have gone where He has led me.  That I haven't diverted from My [good] Shepherd.  The outcome of this month, the things on my mind, the way I've been thinking, the desires/pressings on my heart today just look different than what I would have expected a month ago.  [Maybe more-so, the REASON why I learn something is different than I expect.]

I'm comforted to know that Jesus never stops working, never stops coming, never stops loving when I end up in a strange place.  That even if I unknowingly led myself to this place, that He can turn it all into His good.  He can bring me back, or forward.  And even so, I might not ever know the all times veer off for His redemption and goodness.  I wonder if He protects us from knowing our own failures because knowing them isn't always the important thing.  In all cases, He is a great, the perfect,  protector and Father.

On another note, recently while at work, my mind has been on a thousand other things OTHER than work... it's ridiculous.  Seriously, everything else.  Even small things like: shopping list/grocery shopping, movie rental choice, making a new salsa, what I'm going to do with Krista tomorrow, Rhonda's birthday, my new bank issue, calling my dad on my lunch break... BLOGGING.  I don't know what's gotten in to me.

Funk.

I have been in such a funk these last few days.  I've been edgier than normal, easily irritable.  I find myself wanting to do or say [or not do] certain things that are abnormal for me.  I've had to keep myself from being rude, although I'm not so sure how well I've controlled my facial expressions.  I've been somewhat apathetic: not really showing much interest in people and not wanting to give much effort for things.

I need more of Jesus to shine through and take over my wicked tendencies.  I need more of His love to consume me.  I need more love for Him.  I must be dependent upon grace, not merely excused by it.  

There are so many different things running through my head and my heart.  I feel like I'm on the fence about a lot of things that pertains to my life.  I kind of feel too unstable to make certain decisions that I can complete.  I'm confused about some things.  Maybe the most important decision that is left to be unmade is the decision to live my life as one that I do not own... as a life with a Lord who has full control.  Maybe it's time to let go, to submit, to die.

There are fears that have not yet been fully surrendered.  The fear of not upholding what I say I will or will not do.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of not pleasing man.  Fear of looking foolish.  Fear of living life my way and not God's and not caring.  Fear that man's/world's opinions and standards will taint and distort the truth from the Word, and that I won't even notice.

I need to stop thinking that the pressure is on me.  That I have to conjure up my own faith, my own self-control, my own truth... All these things comes from Jesus.  He lives and dwells within me, and He will live and dwell through me.  I can only rely on His strength and grace.  I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, nothing good in of myself.  Jesus is my goodness.  He is the well from which my faith is drawn.

I love Jesus, and I believe in Him who the Father sent.  I am known by Him if I love Him. And if I love Him, I obey His commands... Even when it's hard, when it hurts, when life is good, when it's easy to talk yourself into disobedience... There is simply no other way.

Mighty Love

Your love is strong -
You are full of strength.
It endures forever;
It upholds me.
Because I am weak and unable.
It is enough for me;
Sufficient to overcome frailty.
You are strong to
Keep me grounded.

You're love is so strong.
Strong enough to sustain me,
Not just for my benefit of
You being enough,
But You give Your love to me
So that I am able to
Give love to You.
It outlasts any compulsion.
You have enough to give
Eternally,
Not just to bestow because
You're kind, but
To invade and fill up
So I may shine and
Give to others.
It can never be fully understood
Or fully attained.
It is an everlasting river
Washing through the earth,
Connecting every pond, lake,
Canal, stream, puddle, drop
Into one weave of purity,
Pulling from the endless ocean
Filled by the light of heaven.

Your love is so strong,
Stronger than any force of nature.
Earthquakes and floods,
Hurricanes and Fires,
It consumes the heart of
Every man who
Catches the slightest glimpse.
You possess the fiercest power to
Move buildings and towers,
That is, the stone cold and
Bucking hearts of mortal men.
You can bring the
Most mighty among the
Earth to their knees.
You can melt the ice,
Remove the rust,
Demolish the brick house of sin
From the most shameful and unsearching,
Then restore it perfect life.

To resist Yourself from
Becoming undone that
We might live and
Experience it in Your
Intricate and tender ways,
Requires a restraint unfathomable.
To reveal it in full
Would overwhelm us
As we are residents of
A broken realm.

Your love is strong,
To raise the
Sleeping and awake to
Transform our bodies as
You take us up
To finally see in full and
Be known fully.

Your love is strong.

The Real Reality

I'd rather be there
In the land that touches light.
The glimmer of a thousand sparkles
Leaves my mind breathless and frozen as
They're dancing upon the water and
Resting behind open eyes.
The wind seems to carry its reflection
As if it were something tangible,
Swooping like butterflies
We chase them like little children with
No regard for the world.
Laughter resounds...
From the air,
From all who reside there,
From your mouth.
The pleasure of simplicity
Succeeds all of its competitors.
Light is the currency of
A wealth not yet discovered.
Faith is the sustaining force.
This is better than dreams.

Bless the LORD for His everlasting love.

Sometimes, I think that if I am bold in declaring the Lord's love for me, that somehow I am filled with arrogance.  I tend to easily disbelieve that my Father delights in me and takes joy in me.  I cannot understand how He can be so patient and how He is just not fed up with me and all my wandering ways.  I don't understand how He could have good thoughts about me, when I often only see all of the wickedness in my heart.  All I've ever known is the human way of thinking; it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around it even though I am familiar with the Truth of His Word.

[I don't think it's our job to understand those things.  Our minds are not made to comprehend the answer to the "Why?" or "How?" question.  He does give us revelation with which our spirits testify.]

I am not even aware of the thoughts I was thinking to God, but I realized in a new way that it's not a selfish thing to believe the Lord loves me.  When I believe with all my heart and openly attest to how richly the LORD loves me and takes joy in me, weak as I am, it is not in elevation to myself.  It is for the GLORY OF MY FATHER!  It is to broadcast that He is the one full of true unconditional love.  It is to testify that everything He says in His word is true.  There is nothing I can or could ever do to earn His love or make Him love me.  I cannot BE good enough - there is NOTHING good in me.  He is my goodness and it is because of His goodness and kindness that He loves me.  I never again want to belittle or dishonour the reality of who God is.  To say He is full of expressive love for me is totally glorifying to HIM, not me!  

I can be confident in Him.  He is the Good Shepherd who loves and genuinely cares for the welfare of His sheep.  It is not a burden for Him to do all the things necessary.  He NEVER grows weak or weary, but gives might to those who lack.  He desires to protect me and to take care of my wounds.  He disciplines me because of His love and to keep me from doing the things that bring myself harm and danger.

I am nothing but a stupid, senseless sheep, but I must trust and learn from my so, so Good Shepherd who is so diligent and careful with me.  I cannot keep wandering off towards other things or looking to the example of another [I know that if and when I do these things, He will come for me], I must hone in on the One with the rod and staff, the One with the ointment, the One full of safety.  I must know and hear His voice.  

My heart is so full and is rejoicing in the freedom of celebrating Christ's love for me.  Nothing can ever separate me.

It Was All To Never Say Farewell

As the dawning light catches my eyelids,
Fingers walk up my arm;
Hands cover my face to
Evaporate the fragrant streams
That have faded through these facial lines.
It was all for comfort.

The bridging gap between
White lies and narrative is that
We trust each other.
We started off slow,
Forging memories in our minds.
Our hands were seldom tied.
It was all for convenience.

I buried my face in your chest,
Hoping to ignore the truth and
The pain coupled with its presence.
This no longer matters.
We've severed the
Fabric keeping this intact.
We have to let go.
It was all for charity.

Moments ago,
When I made m way through the door,
I turned to face a corrupting fortress
Stroking the balance of
Heartbreak and candor.
It was a beautifully compelling
Choice of solitude.
It was hard to say goodbye.
It was all for contentment.

The actions that withered
Stand corrected as
You build palatial walls around
The place we stand.
Permanent features took root in the grass.
You turn our old house into a warming fire.
The embers are floating like
Golden stars around your royal face.
I will never say goodbye.
It was all for completion.

In a World of Darkness

Closer to the stars as I've ever been.
I'm 40,000 feet above the ground and
I look out my window,
Two visions are placed before me:
A galaxy below me -
The work of man's hands, and
A galaxy above me -
The work of God's hands.
Each have a vastness,
Both vying for my attention and praise.
The ones underneath strike in
Hopeless competition with
The bright lights of the night sky.
They work  restlessly to be magnificent.
The former has curiously captivated my eyes,
This second galaxy,
But as those lights fade,
The splendour and richness of the sky is
Ever increasing, multiplying,
Stealing my breath and my thoughts.
The beauty of man can never
Surpass the beauty of God.

Then I wonder...
Does God look down on us and
Think the same thing as
I do about His stars?
Is His joy and praise in this creation?
I realize, the answer is yes.

I look a second time at
The world beneath my feet. and
Behold a sea of shining lights,
Not from buildings or posts,
But from souls bearing the
Light of God in their hearts.
Each speck of illumination is
A being placed
In a world of darkness
Trying to shine like the
Stars in the sky,
To get as close to heaven,
Where the Father is,
As we can go;
Waiting, living, for the moment
Where we will ascend beyond the stars into
The eternal dwelling.

The lights will fade.
The stars will fall.
All will be forgotten.
But those who wait,
Those who hope,
Those remain in love,
will never be shaken.

Yes, there is no competition.
God is ours; we are His.
He loves us more than the stars.

And so it begins...

Here marks the line

Where I left every good thing behind

To look ahead and 

Walk to what is better.

This is real.

No a memory erased,

Not a love forgotten.

But here marks the new beginning.

A journey.

In which my heart breaks.

The pain is untouchable,

Feels like no room for relief.

No one has the remedy

To soothe it's raging fire.

The fear rises up the walls of my mind

The smoke of it is suffocating.

I feel like I'm drowning out of water - 

Tossed up in the air,

Unsure where I'll land.

Sorrow breaches inside my chest.

Tears evade through hollow eyes.

Every word of bravery is a pretense;

Acting strong when all I can do is tremble.

I uncover the mask long enough to

Make a deep confession to the One who

Knows and formed my heart.

As I walk alone,

He opens my eyes to show that

What I feel is not truth.

My eyes move from left to right;

I see many people gathered,

Arms linked, as

Some sort of barrier,

Some sort of shield.

The link breaks before me, 

Two arms part to

Open the door to a rugged path.

There's a bright light 

Keeping me from seeing the

End of the path.

I squint, it is so radiant.

I hesitate to move,

Not wanting to leave the

Formation of support.

I take the first step,

Then pause.

Breathe.

My second step is slightly bigger.

I look around at the faces,

They are smiling, glowing,

Casting off a golden hue as in

Reflection from the great luminosity. 

I make eye contact with one,

In his state of elation,

He winks and says, "Go on, Child".

They are all encouraging me to

Keep moving.

Then I realize, 

I have no where else to go.

This is the path made for me. 

I look again toward the light -

It gives me unnatural strength.

Suddenly I forget all who surround me.

All hesitation has subsided and

I gain new confidence.

Now I am smiling!

My feet are moving; 

The light has filled my heart and 

I don't want to go anywhere but

Where the light is dwelling.

As I take a step on the rocky ground,

The light lets up and 

I can see that 

It doesn't last that way for long.

I can see it smoothing out.

However, I can't see very far ahead, but

I have never felt

More sure,

More safe,

More loved 

Than this moment.

The Light will show me the way and

I know He is trustworthy.

Yes, I will walk in the Light.

Here marks the new beginning:

[A Journey]

Mr. Moon, Moon, Mr. bright and shiny Moon.

I have come to be very endeared to the moon.  A full moon specifically.  

In the last few months, there have been several times when the light of a bright, full moon has been a comfort to me.  It makes me feel like my Lord is wrapping His arms around me and holding me, just like a father would his beloved daughter.  

I can't quite explain it, it is a connection that goes beyond the physical.  It is a comfort of the soul.  It has been an reminder of the assurance of God's everlasting, unfailing love.  It has brought more comfort than a thousand hugs.   

It brings such a peace to walk out in the night and see the brightness of the moon reflecting the sun.  I feel so safe wrapped in its light.

Last night was a full moon.  As I was looking at it, I was wishing that every night a full moon would rise.  I then began to think about how I could apply the different stages of the moon with my own life.  

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There are times when the moon is full and illuminating everything around you.  It's easy to see what's in front of you; there isn't much you can't see.  

Then you have the waxing gibbous moon, in which its less than full and more than half.  It's a slight change, not quite as bright, but you hardly notice.  You can still see and feel the comfort of the light, not giving any thought to the darkness that is actually around you.  

Then comes the quarter moon.  Half of the light is gone.  This time you notice.  You try to stay in open areas, not surrounded by trees or buildings that will cover up the light it's giving off.  You don't like the darkness.  You start hearing noises you never heard before, creeping shadows.  Once you reach the open air, you kind find some solace once again, but not resting as peacefully as you did before.

When the crescent moon appears, things are suddenly scary.  You can't walk as fast as you could in the full moon.  You have to take smaller steps, allowing your eyes to adjust to what is set before you.  Patience... don't get too hasty.  The next step could lead you over a cliff, you will need to be careful.  Everything is dark. The world and all the things that come with living as humans are covering the sun's light from the moon.  Yet, there is still the tiny sliver of light that gives you hope.  You know that just because the comfort is not apparent as it was before, the light and love are still there. 

Lastly, there is the new moon.  You cannot breath for the thick darkness surrounding you.  You don't know which direction your going, or why you're even moving.  You just sit and try not to be afraid of the unknown.  You pray for the light to shine.  You must remember the light, how it was, and live with the hope that it will return.  You know it will return.  

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It kind of seems to relate to the stages and seasons of life sometimes.  I really enjoy taking the things we do and see everyday and comparing them to the Christian's journey.

God is truly and solely good.  Bless His name for all His wondrous deeds!