I Am Lifted

O Fear, where did you go?
You were swallowed up by Faith.
I feel your presence waning,
The support of your feathers disappearing
The first moments without -
I'm gasping for breath.
This weight I've worn for as
Long as I've known time
Has released abruptly,
Catapulting my lightened body into the atmosphere -
I'm floating.
And I don't know how to float.
I don't know what to do with my limbs,
Nor handle myself with grace.
This unfamiliar motion brings an initial panic.

O Fear, where are you?
How I long for you to bring me down.
To settle me to safety.
To a place where I don't move,
Nor have a care in the world,
But merely tremble in complacency,
Paired with a constant aching in my head from
The strain of doubt, men-pleasing and inadequacy.

O Fear, Where are you?
You are to me a comfort -
A place of reliable security...

You're a commodity, a wonder,
An enigma that excels in deceit.
Your awarded best disguise -
An inviting dove at first sight,
But you move in like a famished vulture.
You are cunningly clever with
All your gripping trickery.
Your comfort is no comfort at all.
It is a means of loneliness,
Relentless darkness.
I stand immobile in my pool of tears and
You mock me.
You betray the very fabric of my being -
With every ounce of trust I put in you,
You give back a pound of hate,
All with words of kindness spoken
As you pile on the immeasurable weight.
You have made me the champion of nightmares,
The prevailing warrior of worry.
All that seemed lovely is not crowned with disgust.

O Fear, Where did you go?
You were swallowed up by Faith.
And as I'm floating above all the earth,
Viewing the remians below with the most suffecient clarity,
I can see the mess you have made -
And I've been lifted.
I'll leave you to rot in your own filth.
I can breathe.
Your twisted charm is not longer magical.
Good riddance, Fear, farewell.
Your weight has no pull,
For it cannot reach as high as I.
Where Light and Love supply all the true means of comfort.
Where I'm no longer hindered by false accusations,
But I'm carried by Truth.

All of me

(Originally written sometime in July)

My soul pours forth songs in the night;
I awake and the melody remains.
The part of faith that requires faith
Is being steadfast and sure
Even when nothing seen seems sure.
When your feelings tell you that you should give up.
When nothing resembles the movement towards completion.

My heart is drawn out.
The culmination of desire and patience
Pushes me to my limits.
It is a combination that I'm not too familiar with.
The calm, yet longing...
How do you reconcile these two?
How long will I have to wait?

I tell you the array of emotions
That have been provoked and experienced
Have been to me like a whirlwind.
From the greatest joy to seemingly unbearable turmoil.
Yet my heart still praises.
And I do not despair.
He continues to lead me and show faithfulness in
The most trying and unforeseen moments.
He keeps surprising me and
Lifting me up.

Its pain to die.
To lay down your life.
But with it comes great reward.

God in His Kindness

Written on 8/22/13 -

If there is one thing I know and have experienced through this season, it is the kindness and mercy of God.  His powerful grace and His unrelenting, proactive love for me.

I think that I will look back on this time and be overwhelmed at just how much God protected, loved and cared for me.  I am only seeing a little bit of the effects, but I wonder if later, as things come to pass or come to completion (things He's teaching me, implementing or striping away) I will see much, much more.  I hope my eyes are open and seeing.  In this season my eyes have been opened to things that I was blinded to for a long time.  And its kind of shaken me up a bit.  Makes me wonder what else I am blind to, in the spirit.  It is a comfort to know that He did indeed open my eyes to see, and I have to trust that it was for a reason.  Maybe to bring me here, maybe for protection... maybe just to learn again, in a different way, how much I still need Him.  How much I don't know.  That I am still prone to these things and to justifying things.

I've been contemplating on my justification and I think that I do this a lot more than I'd like to admit.  I justify a lot of things... usually based on feeling.  If I don't "feel" the conviction, I don't consider it justification or compromise.  But that is the time when all the more I need to remain faithful with pursuing holiness based off of the way Jesus is moving in my life and His truth.  Whether or not I "feel" bad about it or whatever, when I know what I'm doing is unholy yet still do it, it is sin.  So I should be firm in faith even when it contradicts what I feel in the moment.  Its about a resolution.  A way of living in any regard.