Out of the Shadows

"Its time for you to come out of the shadows." "Coming out party." "You've been in the shadows too long."

I've been hearing these things for the past couple of months... What does this mean?  How will I come out of the shadows?  Lord, what are you about to do?

I want to be a part of the Lord's plan... following, adhering, listening, obeying... giving Him all rights to my heart and life.

I don't claim that I understand what this means exactly... or in what regards I've been in the shadows and need to come out of..

But I've been realizing recently just how guarded, how hidden I am within myself.  And how I've been that way for as long as I can remember.

The Lord s getting ready to do a new thing in me.  I believe it.  I'm anticipating it.  I'm excited for it.  I don't know how or what it will look like.  But I can sense it.

I'm tired of the wearing the same definitions that I've worn since I was a child... the things I believed about myself.. thinking that I'm the same person now that I was then... that because I was afraid then that I still have to be afraid now.  I want break free of those limitations.

For as much as I hate definitions and labels, I sure do keep a lot them tagged to myself.  Its time for a new garment.  To do the things I want to... to say the things I want to... to give freely of myself... without fear.  To love unhindered... to not be bound by things of the past.  To come out of the shadows.  Because the Lord has given me much so that I may give to others.  And I have a lot to offer... I have things to give.  And it will be powerful... it can change hearts and lives... but because its not mine.  Its time time to stop keeping everything shut up within myself... step out in faith.

Now, I'm not sure how to go about doing this.  Just take it a day at a time... listening to the Spirit... having faith... not hesitating.

I've been thinking about how this habit, if not broken and changed, will effect my relationship with my husband and my children.  How will I be an effective, gracious, truth-speaking woman/wife/mother if I keep things to myself?  I want to pour myself out as much as I can.  I want to pour out.  Pour out.  POUR OUT.  With springs of living water from which I draw my supply; it flows in abundance and will never run dry.

How do I give?  O, Lord, let me give!  You have given me so much love... you have shown me so much love... overwhelming amounts... my mind cannot comprehend, but my spirit runs wild.  I can't explain it, but I'm experiencing it.  I don't want to keep this shut up.  I don't want to keep this in the shadows.  Love, let me come out!  Bring me out!  I'm willing... I lose my mind, all my self-preserving inhibition, all the hovering falsehoods... I step out of those and into You.  I hide myself in YOU.  Out of the shadows... into Your light.

I love Your light.

Renewing Visions

I'm waiting for a moment.

I moment when it all comes together.

When everything I've believed is seen,

When all that I have waited for, 

All that I have had faith in,

Comes to pass.

I am waiting for fulfillment.

A promise brought to completion.

Time stretches forth like the skin over my bones

I'm being whisked away by the hope for today,

Taken through the gateway that

Brings me safely through the morning.
I journey on
Through fragmented days,
Divided up in moments of
Contentment and frustration.
I'm in a constant state of wonder.
My greed overtook me,
It captivated my mind and
I became a prisoner of this warfare.
I lost sight of the original purpose.
I regarded my own understanding
As one worth obeying.
My weak nature was commanding my movements,
Creating patterns of obsession,
Declaring the false results of a false outcome...
At least for this day.
Now, I feel as if I'm right back to the beginning..
The same place before this all began.
This is for the redemption of the purpose.
To freshly give the purest heart I have and
Wait as He correctly administers
What He had set out to do.
On Him I will wait.
The trustworthy One.
The honest One.
The Perfecter.
The Fulfiller.

Who Am I?

Sometimes I wonder about myself... I have this daily battle of the things I enjoy and desire being wrong or shameful... or that just because I desire something, or have a certain thought about a thing, that I should shut it down because it must certainly be displeasing to the Lord.

What I am discovering lately is that He made me explicitly... uniquely me.  My inward and outward makeup is unlike any other person created... and that is an amazing concept!  So why have I tried so hard to conceal the person who Christ has made me.  Now, there is discernment.  And there is dying to the flesh, the sinful nature... I should not indulge in these desires and walk by the Spirit.  "Anyone who names the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness," 2 Tim. 2:19.  The Spirit lives inside of ME... the ME whom He created... I have certain behaviours and thoughts and desires that are good and I must let myself live freely in these things BECAUSE the Spirit is inside of me.  So I wonder if as I try to manipulate myself to become what I think pleases the Lord that I hinder the full work of the Spirit in my life.  Living this way is burdensome... but HIS yolk is light.  He is not pressuring me or weighing me down with these things.  He doesn't want me to change the how He has made me, only to abstain from wickedness and pursue godliness.  I can do that and still be who I am supposed to be... Its okay to be free in that... the Spirit working in me and using me in the special way He designed it for MY life.

How am I going to be able to use the gifts He has given me if I keep hesitating out of fear?  Fear of failing, fear of being wrong... I know the Lord does not make us anxious, but I think there is a difference in being anxious about something and not needing to act on it and then being anxious about something you need to do but are afraid to do it.  Usually I can discern what is spirit and what is flesh, even if its just slightly.  Since I do have the Spirit living in me, I wonder if sometimes my "instincts" are inspired from Him.  I just usually shut off and question my initial reaction to something because I just assume its flesh, but as He is renewing me, maybe its not that way.  Maybe I just need to operate in more faith in regards to walking by the Spirit... I can't WALK by the spirit if I'm not moving at all.

I want to be FREE.  I want to ENJOY who He has made me and the things He wants me to do.  I am tired of thinking I am always thinking, doing, desiring the wrong things.. that I'm always on the brink of displeasing God.  That's just not who He is!  He loves me and wants to see me flourish and be FREE... in HIM.  Its going to be a wonderful process to walk through with Him as He shows me who I am... and that I am worth loving.. and that I have a lot to offer.  I've believed for so long that I am unworthy of love, that there is nothing special or interesting about me.  I have suppressed myself for so long... tried to hide who I am for fear of rejection or not living up to someone else's [unsaid] expectations or displeasing someone... If I don't comply with whoever the other person is, that they would get tired of me.  That I was inferior to everyone and I needed to be more, or something different, than I was.  I'm just afraid of being wrong almost all the time, if its something I'm not sure about or comfortable with.

Now, as I reflect on past years, I see much, much progress in this area, but I also see that I am still held captive by this in a lot of ways.  So here's to truly, finally embracing the fact that it is not bad to embrace and live as the person my Father created me to be.  I'm welcoming freedom.  Walking in bravery, not fear.  To let go of this unneeded burden.  And to enjoy my life in Christ.