O Fear, where did you go?
You were swallowed up by Faith.
I feel your presence waning,
The support of your feathers disappearing
The first moments without -
I'm gasping for breath.
This weight I've worn for as
Long as I've known time
Has released abruptly,
Catapulting my lightened body into the atmosphere -
I'm floating.
And I don't know how to float.
I don't know what to do with my limbs,
Nor handle myself with grace.
This unfamiliar motion brings an initial panic.
O Fear, where are you?
How I long for you to bring me down.
To settle me to safety.
To a place where I don't move,
Nor have a care in the world,
But merely tremble in complacency,
Paired with a constant aching in my head from
The strain of doubt, men-pleasing and inadequacy.
O Fear, Where are you?
You are to me a comfort -
A place of reliable security...
You're a commodity, a wonder,
An enigma that excels in deceit.
Your awarded best disguise -
An inviting dove at first sight,
But you move in like a famished vulture.
You are cunningly clever with
All your gripping trickery.
Your comfort is no comfort at all.
It is a means of loneliness,
Relentless darkness.
I stand immobile in my pool of tears and
You mock me.
You betray the very fabric of my being -
With every ounce of trust I put in you,
You give back a pound of hate,
All with words of kindness spoken
As you pile on the immeasurable weight.
You have made me the champion of nightmares,
The prevailing warrior of worry.
All that seemed lovely is not crowned with disgust.
O Fear, Where did you go?
You were swallowed up by Faith.
And as I'm floating above all the earth,
Viewing the remians below with the most suffecient clarity,
I can see the mess you have made -
And I've been lifted.
I'll leave you to rot in your own filth.
I can breathe.
Your twisted charm is not longer magical.
Good riddance, Fear, farewell.
Your weight has no pull,
For it cannot reach as high as I.
Where Light and Love supply all the true means of comfort.
Where I'm no longer hindered by false accusations,
But I'm carried by Truth.
Friday, September 13, 2013
All of me
(Originally written sometime in July)
My soul pours forth songs in the night;
I awake and the melody remains.
The part of faith that requires faith
Is being steadfast and sure
Even when nothing seen seems sure.
When your feelings tell you that you should give up.
When nothing resembles the movement towards completion.
My heart is drawn out.
The culmination of desire and patience
Pushes me to my limits.
It is a combination that I'm not too familiar with.
The calm, yet longing...
How do you reconcile these two?
How long will I have to wait?
I tell you the array of emotions
That have been provoked and experienced
Have been to me like a whirlwind.
From the greatest joy to seemingly unbearable turmoil.
Yet my heart still praises.
And I do not despair.
He continues to lead me and show faithfulness in
The most trying and unforeseen moments.
He keeps surprising me and
Lifting me up.
Its pain to die.
To lay down your life.
But with it comes great reward.
My soul pours forth songs in the night;
I awake and the melody remains.
The part of faith that requires faith
Is being steadfast and sure
Even when nothing seen seems sure.
When your feelings tell you that you should give up.
When nothing resembles the movement towards completion.
My heart is drawn out.
The culmination of desire and patience
Pushes me to my limits.
It is a combination that I'm not too familiar with.
The calm, yet longing...
How do you reconcile these two?
How long will I have to wait?
I tell you the array of emotions
That have been provoked and experienced
Have been to me like a whirlwind.
From the greatest joy to seemingly unbearable turmoil.
Yet my heart still praises.
And I do not despair.
He continues to lead me and show faithfulness in
The most trying and unforeseen moments.
He keeps surprising me and
Lifting me up.
Its pain to die.
To lay down your life.
But with it comes great reward.
God in His Kindness
Written on 8/22/13 -
If there is one thing I know and have experienced through this season, it is the kindness and mercy of God. His powerful grace and His unrelenting, proactive love for me.
I think that I will look back on this time and be overwhelmed at just how much God protected, loved and cared for me. I am only seeing a little bit of the effects, but I wonder if later, as things come to pass or come to completion (things He's teaching me, implementing or striping away) I will see much, much more. I hope my eyes are open and seeing. In this season my eyes have been opened to things that I was blinded to for a long time. And its kind of shaken me up a bit. Makes me wonder what else I am blind to, in the spirit. It is a comfort to know that He did indeed open my eyes to see, and I have to trust that it was for a reason. Maybe to bring me here, maybe for protection... maybe just to learn again, in a different way, how much I still need Him. How much I don't know. That I am still prone to these things and to justifying things.
I've been contemplating on my justification and I think that I do this a lot more than I'd like to admit. I justify a lot of things... usually based on feeling. If I don't "feel" the conviction, I don't consider it justification or compromise. But that is the time when all the more I need to remain faithful with pursuing holiness based off of the way Jesus is moving in my life and His truth. Whether or not I "feel" bad about it or whatever, when I know what I'm doing is unholy yet still do it, it is sin. So I should be firm in faith even when it contradicts what I feel in the moment. Its about a resolution. A way of living in any regard.
If there is one thing I know and have experienced through this season, it is the kindness and mercy of God. His powerful grace and His unrelenting, proactive love for me.
I think that I will look back on this time and be overwhelmed at just how much God protected, loved and cared for me. I am only seeing a little bit of the effects, but I wonder if later, as things come to pass or come to completion (things He's teaching me, implementing or striping away) I will see much, much more. I hope my eyes are open and seeing. In this season my eyes have been opened to things that I was blinded to for a long time. And its kind of shaken me up a bit. Makes me wonder what else I am blind to, in the spirit. It is a comfort to know that He did indeed open my eyes to see, and I have to trust that it was for a reason. Maybe to bring me here, maybe for protection... maybe just to learn again, in a different way, how much I still need Him. How much I don't know. That I am still prone to these things and to justifying things.
I've been contemplating on my justification and I think that I do this a lot more than I'd like to admit. I justify a lot of things... usually based on feeling. If I don't "feel" the conviction, I don't consider it justification or compromise. But that is the time when all the more I need to remain faithful with pursuing holiness based off of the way Jesus is moving in my life and His truth. Whether or not I "feel" bad about it or whatever, when I know what I'm doing is unholy yet still do it, it is sin. So I should be firm in faith even when it contradicts what I feel in the moment. Its about a resolution. A way of living in any regard.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Change
I think that sometimes we can get so caught up in what we do: our location, our job, our daily activities... at least I know that I do. While I believe the Lord is sovereign over each of out lives, and always works things out for good to those that love Him, I just keep thinking that maybe we put too much emphasis on "doing" the "right" thing... making the right move, taking the right job, etc... those are the things we see as obedience. And I know that the Lord IS specific with us, He leads us, helps us make the choices that are going to be best for us and that will bring Him most glory. But if its true that He is always with us, and nothing can separate us, and that we make plans but He directs our steps, then does it really matter (mostly) what we choose to do? Or what we make plans to do?
I wonder if in our waiting of receiving confirmation after confirmation that what we are going to move forward in is indeed what please the Lord, we just don't move at all because we are hesitant and fearful with the wrong kind of fear. When sometimes I just wonder if the Lord isn't seeing it with that perspective. If we move out of faith and trust that God will direct our steps. I have thought a lot recently about Paul mentioning in His letters of how he desires to go and see certain peoples and that he has made attempts to see them but they never worked out. I don't think it was displeasing to the Lord for Paul to begin to make a journey to see these people, but the Lord had other things in mind for him, and He directed Paul's steps to fulfill those plans.
I just wonder if its part of the deception of the enemy to get us so focused on doing these physical things to "please" the Lord rather than searching inward and pleasing Him with the state of our attitude, with loving Him with our heart and seeking peace, righteousness and holiness. Romans 12:17 - For the Kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If we seek these things, and love the Lord with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, then I think the choices we make will already be what is pleasing to the Lord because most likely they will be unselfish and based off of the desires that the Lord has placed in us rather than what we have placed within ourselves.
He desires good for us. He knows what's best for each of us. His ways are so mysterious and so much higher than our ways. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around how we works everything together. He knows everything that is to come - in each of our lives. Yet gives us the privilege to choose - but its already known - and he works it all out for good. He is sovereign to let us choose but to already know what we will do. Ecclesiastes 3:15 - "That which is has been already and that which will be has already been, for God seeks that which has passed by."
I want to BE someone pleasing to the Lord... He does not desire for us to worry about the decisions we make or the things we do. A fruit of the Spirit is peace. Jesus is the prince of peace. He came to bring us peace. Peace of soul and spirit. Peace of mind. Why can't we just live content in our situations and take each day as it comes. We do not know what the next five minutes of our life will bring. Something could happen that could drastically change our lives, or nothing could happen at all. But we cannot anticipate what might happen. I think we just have to trust God as our Father who loves us and our Lord who is in control over our lives. That as we walk in Him, He takes us where we need to go - not necessarily where we want to go, or think we will go.
Our purpose is to fellowship with Him, to love Him, to bring glory to His name, to abide in Him, share His love with others... Others things are just what we do to get by during our time here on earth. I do believe the Lord is specific with us about our lives and does tell us things, so when we know that, we should walk in obedience. But then I think there are times when the Lord doesn't give us the answers as clearly as others. When we ask, we receive. But we receive the way He wants to give it.
I just want to live a life that is honouring to Him. A good point was made during a conversation I was having with my wise friend, Krista. That in everything we do, we are either gratifying our flesh or our spirit. And they are always in opposition with one another. So in any decision we make, there will be discomfort or displeasure of some kind, either towards our flesh or towards our spirit. Either way, one side will be unhappy and unfulfilled. Which one would you rather live with. Discomfort of flesh or discomfort of spirit. While in the flesh it may cause some suffering, but you can bear through it. Discomfort of spirit will tear you apart, with anxiety and restlessness. So what will I choose?
I wonder if in our waiting of receiving confirmation after confirmation that what we are going to move forward in is indeed what please the Lord, we just don't move at all because we are hesitant and fearful with the wrong kind of fear. When sometimes I just wonder if the Lord isn't seeing it with that perspective. If we move out of faith and trust that God will direct our steps. I have thought a lot recently about Paul mentioning in His letters of how he desires to go and see certain peoples and that he has made attempts to see them but they never worked out. I don't think it was displeasing to the Lord for Paul to begin to make a journey to see these people, but the Lord had other things in mind for him, and He directed Paul's steps to fulfill those plans.
I just wonder if its part of the deception of the enemy to get us so focused on doing these physical things to "please" the Lord rather than searching inward and pleasing Him with the state of our attitude, with loving Him with our heart and seeking peace, righteousness and holiness. Romans 12:17 - For the Kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If we seek these things, and love the Lord with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, then I think the choices we make will already be what is pleasing to the Lord because most likely they will be unselfish and based off of the desires that the Lord has placed in us rather than what we have placed within ourselves.
He desires good for us. He knows what's best for each of us. His ways are so mysterious and so much higher than our ways. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around how we works everything together. He knows everything that is to come - in each of our lives. Yet gives us the privilege to choose - but its already known - and he works it all out for good. He is sovereign to let us choose but to already know what we will do. Ecclesiastes 3:15 - "That which is has been already and that which will be has already been, for God seeks that which has passed by."
I want to BE someone pleasing to the Lord... He does not desire for us to worry about the decisions we make or the things we do. A fruit of the Spirit is peace. Jesus is the prince of peace. He came to bring us peace. Peace of soul and spirit. Peace of mind. Why can't we just live content in our situations and take each day as it comes. We do not know what the next five minutes of our life will bring. Something could happen that could drastically change our lives, or nothing could happen at all. But we cannot anticipate what might happen. I think we just have to trust God as our Father who loves us and our Lord who is in control over our lives. That as we walk in Him, He takes us where we need to go - not necessarily where we want to go, or think we will go.
Our purpose is to fellowship with Him, to love Him, to bring glory to His name, to abide in Him, share His love with others... Others things are just what we do to get by during our time here on earth. I do believe the Lord is specific with us about our lives and does tell us things, so when we know that, we should walk in obedience. But then I think there are times when the Lord doesn't give us the answers as clearly as others. When we ask, we receive. But we receive the way He wants to give it.
I just want to live a life that is honouring to Him. A good point was made during a conversation I was having with my wise friend, Krista. That in everything we do, we are either gratifying our flesh or our spirit. And they are always in opposition with one another. So in any decision we make, there will be discomfort or displeasure of some kind, either towards our flesh or towards our spirit. Either way, one side will be unhappy and unfulfilled. Which one would you rather live with. Discomfort of flesh or discomfort of spirit. While in the flesh it may cause some suffering, but you can bear through it. Discomfort of spirit will tear you apart, with anxiety and restlessness. So what will I choose?
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
On my heart today -
O! I just want to do what's pleasing to the Lord. I want to love Him with my whole heart. I want to trust Him with my entire life... not clinging to anything... counting it all as loss for the sake of knowing Him...
The beauty of His life and Spirit..
The power of His name...
His Spirit living in me...
This is what life is about. His glory, His love, His light, His delight. He is for me not against me and does everything for my good because HE is a GOOD FATHER. I want to yield myself to Him in all aspects of life. To love His people... to show mercy to those who are hopeless and have never known mercy. To bring His truth and light to those around me.
I don't want to follow my own agenda... but let Him move me the way He desires, for Him to be in control of my heart. To be of sound mind. To be free of fear.
I've been feeling/experiencing Him moving my heart and giving me peace and I can sense that He is starting to do a new work in me... but I have also been experiencing the part of me that is not yielding completely to it or maybe just not sure how to handle it... But I need to relax, let his currents lead me wherever. Ultimately, that is where I want to be, that is where I want to end up - right where He wants me. I think I'm just not sure where I'm going or how I need to react. I need to just trust Him in this process and journey. He will take care of me. I don't have to fully understand what is going on in order for Him to manifest Himself in me and for Him to do His work.
I have realized in the past couple of days that I have been letting myself go in many areas. I have gotten lost in excitement over a bunch of things that have occurred and have been brought into my life the past few months, and with that excitement came neglect of responsibility and just doing things without thinking about them. Not being concerned with pleasing the Lord in all things, but just doing whatever I wanted to do or joining in with others even if it went against conviction and standards I have for my life. This was an extreme wake-up call for me. And I feel like I have just snapped out of it and now its to to redeem these things and walk according to love and truth and holiness. Being loyal to Jesus first and foremost.
I am looking forward to what's ahead. Even though I don't understand everything the Lord is doing currently, I know there will come a time when it will all come to completion and I will look back and see the glory of His work. And I pray that it will be all for His glory. And that I will not solely rely on feeling or emotion, but I trust in Him at all times.
I pray for your wisdom, Jesus. That your truth would be fresh on my lips and on my heart each day. His wisdom is supreme. His wisdom is above all. His counsel is pure. He gives without measure - His wisdom and grace. Mmmm... He is so delightful.
This was written a couple of weeks ago:
Its so easy for me to focus inward on my own struggles and concerns... it distracts me from the day to day interaction with people I come in contact with... It may keep me from a blessing, it may keep me from being a blessing... it may keep me from being in prayer, from being thankful, from looking outward and seeing the concerns and needs of those around me. Its just distracting! And wearisome! And it keeps your from truly remembering the faithfulness of God! And His complete and trustworthy control over my life!
I really just need to get my shit together! I need to discipline myself to do the things that I don't really want to do... for instance... waking up in the morning. For whatever reason I do not want wake up. I just want to sleep. And last night I kept falling asleep and waking up, every 30-60 minutes from like 3 AM on... I really probably needed to get up and spend time in prayer, truly in the presence of Jesus... I'm struggling today and maybe I wouldn't be had I done that.. focused my heart and mind... looked heavenward rather than looking at these insignificant and unnecessary worries. There is a whole new life in Christ... a completely different world... full of excitement and joy and pleasure... full of discovery and wonder...
I really miss writing... I love expressing myself through written word... Its my most effective avenue of communication and I can sort of get lost in it. I love putting words together in a beautiful form, using analogies, pictures, forming new thoughts, new ideas... I love looking back on something I wrote (prose or poetry) and thinking "I wrote that?!? I don't remember writing that.." I love being really shocked and impressed with something I've written in the past.
I like dancing. I would like to be so free spirited that I would dance in public like a little flower child with no care in the world. I want to be my own version of a Jesus-following hippie.. a spirit-filled hippie... full of grace and faith...
I really just need to get my shit together! I need to discipline myself to do the things that I don't really want to do... for instance... waking up in the morning. For whatever reason I do not want wake up. I just want to sleep. And last night I kept falling asleep and waking up, every 30-60 minutes from like 3 AM on... I really probably needed to get up and spend time in prayer, truly in the presence of Jesus... I'm struggling today and maybe I wouldn't be had I done that.. focused my heart and mind... looked heavenward rather than looking at these insignificant and unnecessary worries. There is a whole new life in Christ... a completely different world... full of excitement and joy and pleasure... full of discovery and wonder...
I really miss writing... I love expressing myself through written word... Its my most effective avenue of communication and I can sort of get lost in it. I love putting words together in a beautiful form, using analogies, pictures, forming new thoughts, new ideas... I love looking back on something I wrote (prose or poetry) and thinking "I wrote that?!? I don't remember writing that.." I love being really shocked and impressed with something I've written in the past.
I like dancing. I would like to be so free spirited that I would dance in public like a little flower child with no care in the world. I want to be my own version of a Jesus-following hippie.. a spirit-filled hippie... full of grace and faith...
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Out of the Shadows
"Its time for you to come out of the shadows." "Coming out party." "You've been in the shadows too long."
I've been hearing these things for the past couple of months... What does this mean? How will I come out of the shadows? Lord, what are you about to do?
I want to be a part of the Lord's plan... following, adhering, listening, obeying... giving Him all rights to my heart and life.
I don't claim that I understand what this means exactly... or in what regards I've been in the shadows and need to come out of..
But I've been realizing recently just how guarded, how hidden I am within myself. And how I've been that way for as long as I can remember.
The Lord s getting ready to do a new thing in me. I believe it. I'm anticipating it. I'm excited for it. I don't know how or what it will look like. But I can sense it.
I'm tired of the wearing the same definitions that I've worn since I was a child... the things I believed about myself.. thinking that I'm the same person now that I was then... that because I was afraid then that I still have to be afraid now. I want break free of those limitations.
For as much as I hate definitions and labels, I sure do keep a lot them tagged to myself. Its time for a new garment. To do the things I want to... to say the things I want to... to give freely of myself... without fear. To love unhindered... to not be bound by things of the past. To come out of the shadows. Because the Lord has given me much so that I may give to others. And I have a lot to offer... I have things to give. And it will be powerful... it can change hearts and lives... but because its not mine. Its time time to stop keeping everything shut up within myself... step out in faith.
Now, I'm not sure how to go about doing this. Just take it a day at a time... listening to the Spirit... having faith... not hesitating.
I've been thinking about how this habit, if not broken and changed, will effect my relationship with my husband and my children. How will I be an effective, gracious, truth-speaking woman/wife/mother if I keep things to myself? I want to pour myself out as much as I can. I want to pour out. Pour out. POUR OUT. With springs of living water from which I draw my supply; it flows in abundance and will never run dry.
How do I give? O, Lord, let me give! You have given me so much love... you have shown me so much love... overwhelming amounts... my mind cannot comprehend, but my spirit runs wild. I can't explain it, but I'm experiencing it. I don't want to keep this shut up. I don't want to keep this in the shadows. Love, let me come out! Bring me out! I'm willing... I lose my mind, all my self-preserving inhibition, all the hovering falsehoods... I step out of those and into You. I hide myself in YOU. Out of the shadows... into Your light.
I love Your light.
I've been hearing these things for the past couple of months... What does this mean? How will I come out of the shadows? Lord, what are you about to do?
I want to be a part of the Lord's plan... following, adhering, listening, obeying... giving Him all rights to my heart and life.
I don't claim that I understand what this means exactly... or in what regards I've been in the shadows and need to come out of..
But I've been realizing recently just how guarded, how hidden I am within myself. And how I've been that way for as long as I can remember.
The Lord s getting ready to do a new thing in me. I believe it. I'm anticipating it. I'm excited for it. I don't know how or what it will look like. But I can sense it.
I'm tired of the wearing the same definitions that I've worn since I was a child... the things I believed about myself.. thinking that I'm the same person now that I was then... that because I was afraid then that I still have to be afraid now. I want break free of those limitations.
For as much as I hate definitions and labels, I sure do keep a lot them tagged to myself. Its time for a new garment. To do the things I want to... to say the things I want to... to give freely of myself... without fear. To love unhindered... to not be bound by things of the past. To come out of the shadows. Because the Lord has given me much so that I may give to others. And I have a lot to offer... I have things to give. And it will be powerful... it can change hearts and lives... but because its not mine. Its time time to stop keeping everything shut up within myself... step out in faith.
Now, I'm not sure how to go about doing this. Just take it a day at a time... listening to the Spirit... having faith... not hesitating.
I've been thinking about how this habit, if not broken and changed, will effect my relationship with my husband and my children. How will I be an effective, gracious, truth-speaking woman/wife/mother if I keep things to myself? I want to pour myself out as much as I can. I want to pour out. Pour out. POUR OUT. With springs of living water from which I draw my supply; it flows in abundance and will never run dry.
How do I give? O, Lord, let me give! You have given me so much love... you have shown me so much love... overwhelming amounts... my mind cannot comprehend, but my spirit runs wild. I can't explain it, but I'm experiencing it. I don't want to keep this shut up. I don't want to keep this in the shadows. Love, let me come out! Bring me out! I'm willing... I lose my mind, all my self-preserving inhibition, all the hovering falsehoods... I step out of those and into You. I hide myself in YOU. Out of the shadows... into Your light.
I love Your light.
Renewing Visions
I'm waiting for a moment.
I moment when it all comes together.
When everything I've believed is seen,
When all that I have waited for,
All that I have had faith in,
Comes to pass.
I am waiting for fulfillment.
A promise brought to completion.
Time stretches forth like the skin over my bones
I'm being whisked away by the hope for today,
Taken through the gateway that
Brings me safely through the morning.
I journey on
Through fragmented days,
Divided up in moments of
Contentment and frustration.
I'm in a constant state of wonder.
My greed overtook me,
It captivated my mind and
I became a prisoner of this warfare.
I lost sight of the original purpose.
I regarded my own understanding
As one worth obeying.
My weak nature was commanding my movements,
Creating patterns of obsession,
Declaring the false results of a false outcome...
At least for this day.
Now, I feel as if I'm right back to the beginning..
The same place before this all began.
This is for the redemption of the purpose.
To freshly give the purest heart I have and
Wait as He correctly administers
What He had set out to do.
On Him I will wait.
The trustworthy One.
The honest One.
The Perfecter.
The Fulfiller.
I journey on
Through fragmented days,
Divided up in moments of
Contentment and frustration.
I'm in a constant state of wonder.
My greed overtook me,
It captivated my mind and
I became a prisoner of this warfare.
I lost sight of the original purpose.
I regarded my own understanding
As one worth obeying.
My weak nature was commanding my movements,
Creating patterns of obsession,
Declaring the false results of a false outcome...
At least for this day.
Now, I feel as if I'm right back to the beginning..
The same place before this all began.
This is for the redemption of the purpose.
To freshly give the purest heart I have and
Wait as He correctly administers
What He had set out to do.
On Him I will wait.
The trustworthy One.
The honest One.
The Perfecter.
The Fulfiller.
Who Am I?
Sometimes I wonder about myself... I have this daily battle of the things I enjoy and desire being wrong or shameful... or that just because I desire something, or have a certain thought about a thing, that I should shut it down because it must certainly be displeasing to the Lord.
What I am discovering lately is that He made me explicitly... uniquely me. My inward and outward makeup is unlike any other person created... and that is an amazing concept! So why have I tried so hard to conceal the person who Christ has made me. Now, there is discernment. And there is dying to the flesh, the sinful nature... I should not indulge in these desires and walk by the Spirit. "Anyone who names the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness," 2 Tim. 2:19. The Spirit lives inside of ME... the ME whom He created... I have certain behaviours and thoughts and desires that are good and I must let myself live freely in these things BECAUSE the Spirit is inside of me. So I wonder if as I try to manipulate myself to become what I think pleases the Lord that I hinder the full work of the Spirit in my life. Living this way is burdensome... but HIS yolk is light. He is not pressuring me or weighing me down with these things. He doesn't want me to change the how He has made me, only to abstain from wickedness and pursue godliness. I can do that and still be who I am supposed to be... Its okay to be free in that... the Spirit working in me and using me in the special way He designed it for MY life.
How am I going to be able to use the gifts He has given me if I keep hesitating out of fear? Fear of failing, fear of being wrong... I know the Lord does not make us anxious, but I think there is a difference in being anxious about something and not needing to act on it and then being anxious about something you need to do but are afraid to do it. Usually I can discern what is spirit and what is flesh, even if its just slightly. Since I do have the Spirit living in me, I wonder if sometimes my "instincts" are inspired from Him. I just usually shut off and question my initial reaction to something because I just assume its flesh, but as He is renewing me, maybe its not that way. Maybe I just need to operate in more faith in regards to walking by the Spirit... I can't WALK by the spirit if I'm not moving at all.
I want to be FREE. I want to ENJOY who He has made me and the things He wants me to do. I am tired of thinking I am always thinking, doing, desiring the wrong things.. that I'm always on the brink of displeasing God. That's just not who He is! He loves me and wants to see me flourish and be FREE... in HIM. Its going to be a wonderful process to walk through with Him as He shows me who I am... and that I am worth loving.. and that I have a lot to offer. I've believed for so long that I am unworthy of love, that there is nothing special or interesting about me. I have suppressed myself for so long... tried to hide who I am for fear of rejection or not living up to someone else's [unsaid] expectations or displeasing someone... If I don't comply with whoever the other person is, that they would get tired of me. That I was inferior to everyone and I needed to be more, or something different, than I was. I'm just afraid of being wrong almost all the time, if its something I'm not sure about or comfortable with.
Now, as I reflect on past years, I see much, much progress in this area, but I also see that I am still held captive by this in a lot of ways. So here's to truly, finally embracing the fact that it is not bad to embrace and live as the person my Father created me to be. I'm welcoming freedom. Walking in bravery, not fear. To let go of this unneeded burden. And to enjoy my life in Christ.
What I am discovering lately is that He made me explicitly... uniquely me. My inward and outward makeup is unlike any other person created... and that is an amazing concept! So why have I tried so hard to conceal the person who Christ has made me. Now, there is discernment. And there is dying to the flesh, the sinful nature... I should not indulge in these desires and walk by the Spirit. "Anyone who names the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness," 2 Tim. 2:19. The Spirit lives inside of ME... the ME whom He created... I have certain behaviours and thoughts and desires that are good and I must let myself live freely in these things BECAUSE the Spirit is inside of me. So I wonder if as I try to manipulate myself to become what I think pleases the Lord that I hinder the full work of the Spirit in my life. Living this way is burdensome... but HIS yolk is light. He is not pressuring me or weighing me down with these things. He doesn't want me to change the how He has made me, only to abstain from wickedness and pursue godliness. I can do that and still be who I am supposed to be... Its okay to be free in that... the Spirit working in me and using me in the special way He designed it for MY life.
How am I going to be able to use the gifts He has given me if I keep hesitating out of fear? Fear of failing, fear of being wrong... I know the Lord does not make us anxious, but I think there is a difference in being anxious about something and not needing to act on it and then being anxious about something you need to do but are afraid to do it. Usually I can discern what is spirit and what is flesh, even if its just slightly. Since I do have the Spirit living in me, I wonder if sometimes my "instincts" are inspired from Him. I just usually shut off and question my initial reaction to something because I just assume its flesh, but as He is renewing me, maybe its not that way. Maybe I just need to operate in more faith in regards to walking by the Spirit... I can't WALK by the spirit if I'm not moving at all.
I want to be FREE. I want to ENJOY who He has made me and the things He wants me to do. I am tired of thinking I am always thinking, doing, desiring the wrong things.. that I'm always on the brink of displeasing God. That's just not who He is! He loves me and wants to see me flourish and be FREE... in HIM. Its going to be a wonderful process to walk through with Him as He shows me who I am... and that I am worth loving.. and that I have a lot to offer. I've believed for so long that I am unworthy of love, that there is nothing special or interesting about me. I have suppressed myself for so long... tried to hide who I am for fear of rejection or not living up to someone else's [unsaid] expectations or displeasing someone... If I don't comply with whoever the other person is, that they would get tired of me. That I was inferior to everyone and I needed to be more, or something different, than I was. I'm just afraid of being wrong almost all the time, if its something I'm not sure about or comfortable with.
Now, as I reflect on past years, I see much, much progress in this area, but I also see that I am still held captive by this in a lot of ways. So here's to truly, finally embracing the fact that it is not bad to embrace and live as the person my Father created me to be. I'm welcoming freedom. Walking in bravery, not fear. To let go of this unneeded burden. And to enjoy my life in Christ.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Evasion
I recently become aware of an evasion of my life. This feeling of discomfort coupled with sorrow is not one I hold in favour. In fact, I dislike the feeling very much... the feeling that you've lost pieces of life. The small, secret moments that should be remembered forever, are actually distorted.
Do you ever come away from a moment in time with no real solid memory? Perhaps it was a party of some sort, a simple visit with a good friend, a holiday with family, a road trip, something pleasing that should remain with you always, but all you can recall is the food you ate, the movies you watched, the thoughts in your head, the anger or offense you felt, the clothes you wore and how you felt in them, the rush of time... I have begun to realize this pattern in my life, though not a consistent pattern, of doing these very things mentioned. Sometimes I find I walk away from precious moments in life remembering things and events, but not remembering faces. It is a sinking feeling to have no recollection of looking in a person's eyes, remembering their laugh, their responses and expressions, their joy and pain or the history they may have shared.
Then I realize that I sometimes fear people. Fear real connection between human beings. Sometimes I am uncomfortable with vulnerability, with honesty, with opening myself up to love wholeheartedly. And sometimes I'm more focused on getting through the present so I can get to the future... I'm more enthralled with actual experiences than I am with the people sharing in the experience. But that's a part of what creates the beauty of life... When I don't relish the gift of the human connection and neglect relationship and eye contact, I wind up missing the whole magnificent gift held within a moment; I find the permanence of memories easily elude me. Then comes the breathless realization that I can never return to collect the pieces I left.
To absorb every ounce of life is the sum of it all, sights, smells, touch, laughter and people. Life is more than just merely existing. Our hearts were meant to engage with the people around us, not preserve ourselves from love or heartache. Our eyes were meant to connect with each other's eyes, not avoid them for fear of exposure of truth. I must slow down and savour each encounter; study the lines and curves of each face and hear word and emotion expressed. Life is much better lived not alone and making the most of every opportunity and smiling with true joy, contentment and thankfulness, hoping that you can give some away to those around you. I must know that I have much to give to others and also much to gain. There is no need for fear, only to have freedom. I want my life to be full of these genuine treasures, not regrets.
Do you ever come away from a moment in time with no real solid memory? Perhaps it was a party of some sort, a simple visit with a good friend, a holiday with family, a road trip, something pleasing that should remain with you always, but all you can recall is the food you ate, the movies you watched, the thoughts in your head, the anger or offense you felt, the clothes you wore and how you felt in them, the rush of time... I have begun to realize this pattern in my life, though not a consistent pattern, of doing these very things mentioned. Sometimes I find I walk away from precious moments in life remembering things and events, but not remembering faces. It is a sinking feeling to have no recollection of looking in a person's eyes, remembering their laugh, their responses and expressions, their joy and pain or the history they may have shared.
Then I realize that I sometimes fear people. Fear real connection between human beings. Sometimes I am uncomfortable with vulnerability, with honesty, with opening myself up to love wholeheartedly. And sometimes I'm more focused on getting through the present so I can get to the future... I'm more enthralled with actual experiences than I am with the people sharing in the experience. But that's a part of what creates the beauty of life... When I don't relish the gift of the human connection and neglect relationship and eye contact, I wind up missing the whole magnificent gift held within a moment; I find the permanence of memories easily elude me. Then comes the breathless realization that I can never return to collect the pieces I left.
To absorb every ounce of life is the sum of it all, sights, smells, touch, laughter and people. Life is more than just merely existing. Our hearts were meant to engage with the people around us, not preserve ourselves from love or heartache. Our eyes were meant to connect with each other's eyes, not avoid them for fear of exposure of truth. I must slow down and savour each encounter; study the lines and curves of each face and hear word and emotion expressed. Life is much better lived not alone and making the most of every opportunity and smiling with true joy, contentment and thankfulness, hoping that you can give some away to those around you. I must know that I have much to give to others and also much to gain. There is no need for fear, only to have freedom. I want my life to be full of these genuine treasures, not regrets.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Bravery.
In times of peril, will I prove myself cowardly or valiant?
In reflection of certain things in my past, I sometimes think I had more courage when I was younger than I do now. Without admitting or acknowledging to myself, I think I, more often than not, avoid situations that would make me brave. I don't like being afraid, uncomfortable or vulnerable. I don't even look in its direction, and when I do, its a struggle.
Where do I go from here? What do I choose: cowardice or bravery? From the simple things to the extreme things. Will I become paralyzed or embrace freedom? Who will I depend on and look to: myself or my Shepherd?
I know what I have been doing... but now I must choose humbled bravery.
In reflection of certain things in my past, I sometimes think I had more courage when I was younger than I do now. Without admitting or acknowledging to myself, I think I, more often than not, avoid situations that would make me brave. I don't like being afraid, uncomfortable or vulnerable. I don't even look in its direction, and when I do, its a struggle.
Where do I go from here? What do I choose: cowardice or bravery? From the simple things to the extreme things. Will I become paralyzed or embrace freedom? Who will I depend on and look to: myself or my Shepherd?
I know what I have been doing... but now I must choose humbled bravery.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Current Splendour
Just a few things I've been loving recently:
- This website: Darling Magazine and their mission
- David Platt's sermons on Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood [#'s 27 & 28]
- The Chronicles of Narnia Books
- The Love Saga movies
- Homemade fresh, crisp, cold veggie sandwiches
- Cooking
- Drums in Underoath's album Define the Great Line
- India
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Comparison
Sometimes while doing ordinary, everyday-life activities, I like to think of how it compares to life with Jesus Christ and my walk of faith. I do it the most when I run. The other night I was running on a beautiful night. I believe the Spirit was giving me a picture of Himself. It was a little over a week ago, so I hope I can remember everything.
As I was running, I was trying to imagine Jesus really running with me and what that would be like. That transmitted to thinking about life with Him spiritually, but through pictures and real life images. There are different phases, or types, if you will, while running with Christ. [As a disclaimer, I don't think you can apply every "running" scenario to life with Jesus, nor do I think that every scenario I imagine is the finite, only way He works. He can do much more and beyond. These are just a few simple pictures of SOME of the ways He works. Not in any particular order. There is much, much more of Him to be discovered than this.]
You are running [on whatever path you imagine]. Jesus is running in front of you. You are simply following. You feel protected and safe. You trust wear He goes. You don't even have to ask questions; you just follow. It's easier to breathe, easier to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You know you are safe.
After a while He drifts back a little. Now He is running right beside you. This is so nice. You can talk to Him better; You can hear His voice and know what He is saying when He decides to speak. You love to feel His arm bump against yours as you run; it brings you comfort. You still are not worried where He is taking you. Sometimes He'll tell you His plans beforehand, sometimes He just lets you follow His lead.
He tells you to keep the pace and begins to run behind you. It feels a little strange to you. You feel vulnerable and more exposed without Him in front of beside you. You furrow your brow dart your eyes back and forth. You keep looking back Him, but He tells you to look forward. He's still calling the shots, just from behind. Now you merely following His voice. Once He begins to speak and tell you where to go, you are put to ease. But... He doesn't always tell you they way in advance. Sometimes, when there is a split in the path and He hasn't told you which way to go, you just have to aim for one direction, at times He'll let you keep going the way you chose, others He will call out the way He wants to go in the nick of time. This is a little more difficult than you thought. This is really starting to stretch your trust in Him. But in your love for Him, you endure.
All of a sudden He starts telling you directions and instructions for the time ahead. He says, "Remember My words." You try to sufficiently take in all He's said. But some of it just doesn't make sense! You keep on running ahead for what seems like hours and hours, occasionally reminding yourself of all He told you. You come to another split in the road. Two options: left or right. You turn your head to look at Jesus. He is gone. You are confused. He never told you He was leaving. You slow your pace and come to a stop at the entrance of each new path. You begin to cry. Your tears turn into weeping and form pools of sorrow by your feet. You remember when He said, "You must go right..." But as you look right, the path seems to drop off, You don't understand why He would tell you to go that way. The left path looks pretty and safe and sure. You struggle for a while, grunt your teeth and run to the right. "...when you're on this path, run hard and don't stop."
With tears streaming down your face, thousands of thoughts swim around in your mind: He is good; He is trustworthy; He gives joy and peace; He is fun; He is serious; You long for Him again, but you cling to the words He spoke before He left. As you approach what appears to be a ledge, you close your eyes and keep running, trusting Him through the absurdity. When you think you should start falling, you open open your eyes and notice you are running downhill. In relief, you laugh and wonder why you ever doubted. You keep on running longing for Jesus and why He left, all the while...
He is soaring above you.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Longing
O, how my heart is longing. It is longing for so many things: life, laughter, joy, beauty, simplicity, new experiences, enjoyment of life, to live life with friends, so see Sarah in December, to be home, to do more than I am, to truly know God and to live with His mindset, not mine or the world's.
I feel like I'm in anticipation for something, but I don't know what it is.
I want to long for the right things. I don't want my heart to stray for things that will become a snare or will draw me away from purity and devotion to Christ. I want to understand what it means to enjoy life and to see beauty in the simple things, but through His lens. I want to experience life in Him to the fullest... whatever that means. I want to rid myself of the perceptions I have or think I should have and the perceptions that other people have and cling to and seek out the perception of God. How hard it seems when my mind and heart often drifts back and forth, being fickle as it is. Sometimes it's hard to discern between the perception of God and the deception of my heart.
This is how I am today... the things that I am contemplating. We'll see how long it remains. It may be something completely new in a few days, something that could be contradicting these very things I am longing for. Or at least longing in a different way. I just hope that when the thoughts of my heart change, they change by the leading of Jesus.
I feel like I'm in anticipation for something, but I don't know what it is.
I want to long for the right things. I don't want my heart to stray for things that will become a snare or will draw me away from purity and devotion to Christ. I want to understand what it means to enjoy life and to see beauty in the simple things, but through His lens. I want to experience life in Him to the fullest... whatever that means. I want to rid myself of the perceptions I have or think I should have and the perceptions that other people have and cling to and seek out the perception of God. How hard it seems when my mind and heart often drifts back and forth, being fickle as it is. Sometimes it's hard to discern between the perception of God and the deception of my heart.
This is how I am today... the things that I am contemplating. We'll see how long it remains. It may be something completely new in a few days, something that could be contradicting these very things I am longing for. Or at least longing in a different way. I just hope that when the thoughts of my heart change, they change by the leading of Jesus.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Remembering
O how the days swim past me.
I forget to glance at the rocks to hold on to.
You have saved me from a life of hate and
Have given me love.
I see the darkness of the waters
Yet I do not fear.
For there is a light in Your eyes
That clears the way for me.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
You have made atonement for me.
How could I ever repay?
O how time sails by me.
Though I try,
With much travail,
I can't seem To secure the wind.
Yet You seem to stop its movement.
The shaking underneath my feet subsides.
You bring me up to safety and
Carry me home.
Guided by forgotten memories,
I sink back into wonder.
I don't remember what a great plague
You have rescued me from.
The disease of discontentment;
The trickery of dissatisfaction;
The torment of brutal lies.
Living a double life is no fantasy.
You parted the clouds and
Made a way for the sun to shine.
Now the light in Your eyes is deep in my heart.
I will not be ashamed of You,
My Forever Love.
You are,
And the truth shall not be hidden.
I forget to glance at the rocks to hold on to.
You have saved me from a life of hate and
Have given me love.
I see the darkness of the waters
Yet I do not fear.
For there is a light in Your eyes
That clears the way for me.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
You have made atonement for me.
How could I ever repay?
O how time sails by me.
Though I try,
With much travail,
I can't seem To secure the wind.
Yet You seem to stop its movement.
The shaking underneath my feet subsides.
You bring me up to safety and
Carry me home.
Guided by forgotten memories,
I sink back into wonder.
I don't remember what a great plague
You have rescued me from.
The disease of discontentment;
The trickery of dissatisfaction;
The torment of brutal lies.
Living a double life is no fantasy.
You parted the clouds and
Made a way for the sun to shine.
Now the light in Your eyes is deep in my heart.
I will not be ashamed of You,
My Forever Love.
You are,
And the truth shall not be hidden.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Routines
Sometimes I think routines can be a snare, for many reasons... remember, I said sometimes. I think routines or schedules can be good for a time for someone who has no self-control in their lives and wastes their lives with laziness and sin. It could be a way for them to make a feasible plan to fill their days with productivity and truth.
However, I was contemplating routines and schedules for myself. How they can sometimes becomes overpoweringly selfish. You focus your day, your life, around the plan you have laid out. It can even simply be what you've planned for dinner for the week. I know for me, when I get on a routine, I don't want anything to interfere [or eat my food, etc.] and if something does get in the way, my mind is thinking about when I can get back to my plan.
What happened to a man makes his plans but the LORD directs his steps?
I think routines can often keep us from the leading of the Holy Spirit. We already have something set in our minds about what we will do with our time and resources, and that's the final say. We get so determined to finish what we set out to do or see the result we want to achieve. Like when I was doing the Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30 program. I was very committed and desperately wanted to see results. I followed her even followed her eating plan. The first week I spent way over my normal budget for food. I would get up early to workout and if I missed in the morning, I would do it at night, nothing would make me miss my workout. I could see myself becoming a little obsessed with not only my routine, but with the results. It became very hard at times to give up those things for something else, for people, for Jesus.
I think it's good to have order, but I know that I need to be careful not to go overboard, but remain submissive to the Spirit. Life is NOT about order and about having everything together and perfect. What we DO need to perfect is our faith, our love, and the only person who can do that is Jesus the Christ.
However, I was contemplating routines and schedules for myself. How they can sometimes becomes overpoweringly selfish. You focus your day, your life, around the plan you have laid out. It can even simply be what you've planned for dinner for the week. I know for me, when I get on a routine, I don't want anything to interfere [or eat my food, etc.] and if something does get in the way, my mind is thinking about when I can get back to my plan.
What happened to a man makes his plans but the LORD directs his steps?
I think routines can often keep us from the leading of the Holy Spirit. We already have something set in our minds about what we will do with our time and resources, and that's the final say. We get so determined to finish what we set out to do or see the result we want to achieve. Like when I was doing the Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30 program. I was very committed and desperately wanted to see results. I followed her even followed her eating plan. The first week I spent way over my normal budget for food. I would get up early to workout and if I missed in the morning, I would do it at night, nothing would make me miss my workout. I could see myself becoming a little obsessed with not only my routine, but with the results. It became very hard at times to give up those things for something else, for people, for Jesus.
I think it's good to have order, but I know that I need to be careful not to go overboard, but remain submissive to the Spirit. Life is NOT about order and about having everything together and perfect. What we DO need to perfect is our faith, our love, and the only person who can do that is Jesus the Christ.
Post-examination
In regard to the last post, it might sound a bit extreme. I'm not claiming that God is going to make our lives miserable or anything. God is a good Father and does provide for His children. I do, however, think there is fine line that we need to be careful not to cross. With thankful heart we receive the blessings of the LORD, but we do not horde our gifts to ourselves like greedy children, instead we give from what we've been given [money, time, shelter, love, comfort, joy, wisdom, etc...]. It is better to give than to receive.
I'm not saying that the things we do are always bad, but what is best? I think sometimes we are given a choice as to what we will do with our lives. Take Paul for instance, after all his travels and preaching the gospel in many places, he purposed in his spirit to make his way to Jerusalem, though people begged him not to go. After a long journey, with many stops, from Macedonia to Caesarea, a town nearby Jerusalem, a prophet named Agabus from Judea came to Philip's house where Paul was staying. Acts 21 - 11.And coming to us. he took Paul's belt and bound his own feet and hands, and said, "this is what the Holy Spirit says: 'In this way the Jews at Jerusalem will bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles.'" 12.When he had heard this, we as well as the local residents began begging him not to go up to Jerusalem. 13.Then Paul answered, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but to even die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus."
He had the choice to choose life in the world, or death resulting in life. He chose what was best. He did not consider his life on earth something of value, but held Jesus in his view as the treasure of his heart. He pressed on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Jesus Christ [Phil 3:14]. I have the choice to do this every day.
Do I want the permissible life or the beneficial life?
My Examination
I am reading a book called The Death of a Guru by Rabi R. Maharaj. It's an autobiography of [Rabi] who grew up in Trinidad as a Hindu [who later becomes a follower of Jesus of Nazareth]. I am not even half way through and it is already given me more insight than I've ever had on this religion as Rabi intricately recalls events, conversations, thoughts, information of his life and Hinduism.
As I was reading and pondering the intense, ACTIVE devotion these people have for these many false gods, I can't help but wonder why more people are like that here in the US. It seems that the majority of people who are devout in some type of religion are those who belong to another continent, another culture. Take Hindi's for example. They hunger to worship something, anything. They worship cows and delight in serving them, they worship people, living or dead, they adorn their house with statues or pictures of gods. They attend ceremonies, are sent away to schools, spend hours upon hours in meditation, sometimes even neglecting their families and responsibilities. Parents are consistent in teaching their children in their ways. And that's only a brief summary of what I know.
It's easy to see that the Hindi's have given their lives to their false gods... and with that inevitably to the devil. People are hungry for worship. So where is this hunger for worship with the people in my own town, state, country? Is what we hunger for a little more subtle that a statue of a god?
As I reflect on these questions, many things are brought to mind. I observe the adornments in the homes, luxury, comfort, wealth. I see the attendance of a band's concert; the adoration of a person who can sing well. The revenue of the movie industry and the applause from an actor as they win an award. The pursuit of great knowledge and wisdom. I see the crave of power or fame. The obsession of vanity and model-esque beauty. I see the man addicted to drugs. The neglecting of families to pursue your ultimate dream and become the best at that instead of being the best at being a parent. The list goes on...
I realize that our tendencies are all the same, they just play our differently. It is in our hearts to worship. Just like the Hindi boy, I wonder if I too have been deceived from birth by these things that don't seem bad but just the way things are. It's really easy for us to say to the Hindi who becomes a believer in Jesus, "Get rid of everything associated with Hinduism. Burn up all the pictures, destroy all the statues, completely devoid your life of everything you've ever known and built your life on since birth," which is what they should WANT to do if they are truly repentant and Jesus has really captured their heart, yet it's really hard for us to believe that for ourselves. We continue to live the lives we've lived since birth. Live in luxury, comfort, always getting what we want, not really changing anything about our lifestyle and thoughts. It's rampant in the church today. It begs to ask the question, does Jesus really have our full heart?
I think we hunger just as much for worship as any other person, it is just not towards a god who has a name or its own religion. Its the idea that we can serve the God of the Bible and the world simultaneously. Are we making compromises in our lives that are interpreted as, "I can have the best of both worlds" - one that loves Jesus and also has a great, wonderful life in which there is no cost? Man, are we missing out or what on what Jesus really has in store for us?!
I think an examination is due. What consumes your thoughts, controls your money and time, defines your life? What has your heart?
Matthew 6:24 - No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and wealth.
Matthew 6:24 - No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and wealth.
O, God. Protect me and shield my heart. Keep me from the evil one. Help me to fear your Holy name and give my life for you. Help me to count the cost and co unt it all as loss for the sake of knowing you. You are worth it.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Decision-time.
In regards to the last paragraph in my last post, I think my mind will start focusing on work again. I was really weighed down last week, avoiding telling someone dear to my heart about a decision that would effect us both. Yesterday, I made that decision. The weight is gone and my mind is clear again. I feel like my soul has entered into God's rest as I take a step of faith.
I am moving home.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Unpredictable
Life is unpredictable.
Things don't usually go how you expect them to.
I feel like the direction of my life changes so often. Though not necessarily literally. About a month ago I was learning a set of specific things, I could see the direction of my heart and mind and potentially what I would learn about next and how that would effect where my life would literally go. Then as I look at the current surrounding scenery I realize [my heart and mind] are in a completely different place than I thought I would be.
I can't determine whether that's a good thing or not. I don't know if its me just wandering around, or if I'm following. Maybe a mixture of both. I suppose that there are trails that you may never intended to go down, but they wind up leading you right back to the path you originally set out on. I even suppose that as you are on a stray path, that God could make-shift a trail for you. Nothing is impossible. You may even have to just cut through the dark, beast-and-insect-infected wood that lies between where you are and where you should be.
With all that said, I'm not suggesting that I AM on a wayward path. I'm really trying to say that the direction of the Lord's is unpredictable. And I hope that I have gone where He has led me. That I haven't diverted from My [good] Shepherd. The outcome of this month, the things on my mind, the way I've been thinking, the desires/pressings on my heart today just look different than what I would have expected a month ago. [Maybe more-so, the REASON why I learn something is different than I expect.]
I'm comforted to know that Jesus never stops working, never stops coming, never stops loving when I end up in a strange place. That even if I unknowingly led myself to this place, that He can turn it all into His good. He can bring me back, or forward. And even so, I might not ever know the all times veer off for His redemption and goodness. I wonder if He protects us from knowing our own failures because knowing them isn't always the important thing. In all cases, He is a great, the perfect, protector and Father.
On another note, recently while at work, my mind has been on a thousand other things OTHER than work... it's ridiculous. Seriously, everything else. Even small things like: shopping list/grocery shopping, movie rental choice, making a new salsa, what I'm going to do with Krista tomorrow, Rhonda's birthday, my new bank issue, calling my dad on my lunch break... BLOGGING. I don't know what's gotten in to me.
Things don't usually go how you expect them to.
I feel like the direction of my life changes so often. Though not necessarily literally. About a month ago I was learning a set of specific things, I could see the direction of my heart and mind and potentially what I would learn about next and how that would effect where my life would literally go. Then as I look at the current surrounding scenery I realize [my heart and mind] are in a completely different place than I thought I would be.
I can't determine whether that's a good thing or not. I don't know if its me just wandering around, or if I'm following. Maybe a mixture of both. I suppose that there are trails that you may never intended to go down, but they wind up leading you right back to the path you originally set out on. I even suppose that as you are on a stray path, that God could make-shift a trail for you. Nothing is impossible. You may even have to just cut through the dark, beast-and-insect-infected wood that lies between where you are and where you should be.
With all that said, I'm not suggesting that I AM on a wayward path. I'm really trying to say that the direction of the Lord's is unpredictable. And I hope that I have gone where He has led me. That I haven't diverted from My [good] Shepherd. The outcome of this month, the things on my mind, the way I've been thinking, the desires/pressings on my heart today just look different than what I would have expected a month ago. [Maybe more-so, the REASON why I learn something is different than I expect.]
I'm comforted to know that Jesus never stops working, never stops coming, never stops loving when I end up in a strange place. That even if I unknowingly led myself to this place, that He can turn it all into His good. He can bring me back, or forward. And even so, I might not ever know the all times veer off for His redemption and goodness. I wonder if He protects us from knowing our own failures because knowing them isn't always the important thing. In all cases, He is a great, the perfect, protector and Father.
On another note, recently while at work, my mind has been on a thousand other things OTHER than work... it's ridiculous. Seriously, everything else. Even small things like: shopping list/grocery shopping, movie rental choice, making a new salsa, what I'm going to do with Krista tomorrow, Rhonda's birthday, my new bank issue, calling my dad on my lunch break... BLOGGING. I don't know what's gotten in to me.
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