Evasion

I recently become aware of an evasion of my life.  This feeling of discomfort coupled with sorrow is not one I hold in favour.  In fact, I dislike the feeling very much... the feeling that you've lost pieces of life.  The small, secret moments that should be remembered forever, are actually distorted.

Do you ever come away from a moment in time with no real solid memory?  Perhaps it was a party of some sort, a simple visit with a good friend, a holiday with family, a road trip, something pleasing that should remain with you always, but all you can recall is the food you ate, the movies you watched, the thoughts in your head, the anger or offense you felt, the clothes you wore and how you felt in them, the rush of time... I have begun to realize this pattern in my life, though not a consistent pattern, of doing these very things mentioned.  Sometimes I find I walk away from precious moments in life remembering things and events, but not remembering faces.  It is a sinking feeling to have no recollection of looking in a person's eyes, remembering their laugh, their responses and expressions, their joy and pain or the history they may have shared.

Then I realize that I sometimes fear people.  Fear real connection between human beings.  Sometimes I am uncomfortable with vulnerability, with honesty, with opening myself up to love wholeheartedly.  And sometimes I'm more focused on getting through the present so I can get to the future... I'm more enthralled with actual experiences than I am with the people sharing in the experience.  But that's a part of what creates the beauty of life... When I don't relish the gift of the human connection and neglect relationship and eye contact, I wind up missing the whole magnificent gift held within a moment; I find the permanence of memories easily elude me.  Then comes the breathless realization that I can never return to collect the pieces I left.

To absorb every ounce of life is the sum of it all, sights, smells, touch, laughter and people.  Life is more than just merely existing.  Our hearts were meant to engage with the people around us, not preserve ourselves from love or heartache.  Our eyes were meant to connect with each other's eyes, not avoid them for fear of exposure of truth.  I must slow down and savour each encounter; study the lines and curves of each face and hear word and emotion expressed.  Life is much better lived not alone and making the most of every opportunity and smiling with true joy, contentment and thankfulness, hoping that you can give some away to those around you.  I must know that I have much to give to others and also much to gain.  There is no need for fear, only to have freedom.  I want my life to be full of these genuine treasures, not regrets.