Sometimes I wonder about myself... I have this daily battle of the things I enjoy and desire being wrong or shameful... or that just because I desire something, or have a certain thought about a thing, that I should shut it down because it must certainly be displeasing to the Lord.
What I am discovering lately is that He made me explicitly... uniquely me. My inward and outward makeup is unlike any other person created... and that is an amazing concept! So why have I tried so hard to conceal the person who Christ has made me. Now, there is discernment. And there is dying to the flesh, the sinful nature... I should not indulge in these desires and walk by the Spirit. "Anyone who names the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness," 2 Tim. 2:19. The Spirit lives inside of ME... the ME whom He created... I have certain behaviours and thoughts and desires that are good and I must let myself live freely in these things BECAUSE the Spirit is inside of me. So I wonder if as I try to manipulate myself to become what I think pleases the Lord that I hinder the full work of the Spirit in my life. Living this way is burdensome... but HIS yolk is light. He is not pressuring me or weighing me down with these things. He doesn't want me to change the how He has made me, only to abstain from wickedness and pursue godliness. I can do that and still be who I am supposed to be... Its okay to be free in that... the Spirit working in me and using me in the special way He designed it for MY life.
How am I going to be able to use the gifts He has given me if I keep hesitating out of fear? Fear of failing, fear of being wrong... I know the Lord does not make us anxious, but I think there is a difference in being anxious about something and not needing to act on it and then being anxious about something you need to do but are afraid to do it. Usually I can discern what is spirit and what is flesh, even if its just slightly. Since I do have the Spirit living in me, I wonder if sometimes my "instincts" are inspired from Him. I just usually shut off and question my initial reaction to something because I just assume its flesh, but as He is renewing me, maybe its not that way. Maybe I just need to operate in more faith in regards to walking by the Spirit... I can't WALK by the spirit if I'm not moving at all.
I want to be FREE. I want to ENJOY who He has made me and the things He wants me to do. I am tired of thinking I am always thinking, doing, desiring the wrong things.. that I'm always on the brink of displeasing God. That's just not who He is! He loves me and wants to see me flourish and be FREE... in HIM. Its going to be a wonderful process to walk through with Him as He shows me who I am... and that I am worth loving.. and that I have a lot to offer. I've believed for so long that I am unworthy of love, that there is nothing special or interesting about me. I have suppressed myself for so long... tried to hide who I am for fear of rejection or not living up to someone else's [unsaid] expectations or displeasing someone... If I don't comply with whoever the other person is, that they would get tired of me. That I was inferior to everyone and I needed to be more, or something different, than I was. I'm just afraid of being wrong almost all the time, if its something I'm not sure about or comfortable with.
Now, as I reflect on past years, I see much, much progress in this area, but I also see that I am still held captive by this in a lot of ways. So here's to truly, finally embracing the fact that it is not bad to embrace and live as the person my Father created me to be. I'm welcoming freedom. Walking in bravery, not fear. To let go of this unneeded burden. And to enjoy my life in Christ.
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