Decision-time.

In regards to the last paragraph in my last post, I think my mind will start focusing on work again.  I was really weighed down last week, avoiding telling someone dear to my heart about a decision that would effect us both.  Yesterday, I made that decision.  The weight is gone and my mind is clear again.  I feel like my soul has entered into God's rest as I take a step of faith.

I am moving home.

Unpredictable

Life is unpredictable.

Things don't usually go how you expect them to.

I feel like the direction of my life changes so often.  Though not necessarily literally.  About a month ago I was learning a set of specific things, I could see the direction of my heart and mind and potentially what I would learn about next and how that would effect where my life would literally go.  Then as I look at the current surrounding scenery I realize [my heart and mind] are in a completely different place than I thought I would be.

I can't determine whether that's a good thing or not.  I don't know if its me just wandering around, or if I'm following.  Maybe a mixture of both.  I suppose that there are trails that you may never intended to go down, but they wind up leading you right back to the path you originally set out on.  I even suppose that as you are on a stray path, that God could make-shift a trail for you.  Nothing is impossible.  You may even have to just cut through the dark, beast-and-insect-infected wood that lies between where you are and where you should be.

With all that said, I'm not suggesting that I AM on a wayward path.  I'm really trying to say that the direction of the Lord's is unpredictable.  And I hope that I have gone where He has led me.  That I haven't diverted from My [good] Shepherd.  The outcome of this month, the things on my mind, the way I've been thinking, the desires/pressings on my heart today just look different than what I would have expected a month ago.  [Maybe more-so, the REASON why I learn something is different than I expect.]

I'm comforted to know that Jesus never stops working, never stops coming, never stops loving when I end up in a strange place.  That even if I unknowingly led myself to this place, that He can turn it all into His good.  He can bring me back, or forward.  And even so, I might not ever know the all times veer off for His redemption and goodness.  I wonder if He protects us from knowing our own failures because knowing them isn't always the important thing.  In all cases, He is a great, the perfect,  protector and Father.

On another note, recently while at work, my mind has been on a thousand other things OTHER than work... it's ridiculous.  Seriously, everything else.  Even small things like: shopping list/grocery shopping, movie rental choice, making a new salsa, what I'm going to do with Krista tomorrow, Rhonda's birthday, my new bank issue, calling my dad on my lunch break... BLOGGING.  I don't know what's gotten in to me.

Funk.

I have been in such a funk these last few days.  I've been edgier than normal, easily irritable.  I find myself wanting to do or say [or not do] certain things that are abnormal for me.  I've had to keep myself from being rude, although I'm not so sure how well I've controlled my facial expressions.  I've been somewhat apathetic: not really showing much interest in people and not wanting to give much effort for things.

I need more of Jesus to shine through and take over my wicked tendencies.  I need more of His love to consume me.  I need more love for Him.  I must be dependent upon grace, not merely excused by it.  

There are so many different things running through my head and my heart.  I feel like I'm on the fence about a lot of things that pertains to my life.  I kind of feel too unstable to make certain decisions that I can complete.  I'm confused about some things.  Maybe the most important decision that is left to be unmade is the decision to live my life as one that I do not own... as a life with a Lord who has full control.  Maybe it's time to let go, to submit, to die.

There are fears that have not yet been fully surrendered.  The fear of not upholding what I say I will or will not do.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of not pleasing man.  Fear of looking foolish.  Fear of living life my way and not God's and not caring.  Fear that man's/world's opinions and standards will taint and distort the truth from the Word, and that I won't even notice.

I need to stop thinking that the pressure is on me.  That I have to conjure up my own faith, my own self-control, my own truth... All these things comes from Jesus.  He lives and dwells within me, and He will live and dwell through me.  I can only rely on His strength and grace.  I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, nothing good in of myself.  Jesus is my goodness.  He is the well from which my faith is drawn.

I love Jesus, and I believe in Him who the Father sent.  I am known by Him if I love Him. And if I love Him, I obey His commands... Even when it's hard, when it hurts, when life is good, when it's easy to talk yourself into disobedience... There is simply no other way.

Mighty Love

Your love is strong -
You are full of strength.
It endures forever;
It upholds me.
Because I am weak and unable.
It is enough for me;
Sufficient to overcome frailty.
You are strong to
Keep me grounded.

You're love is so strong.
Strong enough to sustain me,
Not just for my benefit of
You being enough,
But You give Your love to me
So that I am able to
Give love to You.
It outlasts any compulsion.
You have enough to give
Eternally,
Not just to bestow because
You're kind, but
To invade and fill up
So I may shine and
Give to others.
It can never be fully understood
Or fully attained.
It is an everlasting river
Washing through the earth,
Connecting every pond, lake,
Canal, stream, puddle, drop
Into one weave of purity,
Pulling from the endless ocean
Filled by the light of heaven.

Your love is so strong,
Stronger than any force of nature.
Earthquakes and floods,
Hurricanes and Fires,
It consumes the heart of
Every man who
Catches the slightest glimpse.
You possess the fiercest power to
Move buildings and towers,
That is, the stone cold and
Bucking hearts of mortal men.
You can bring the
Most mighty among the
Earth to their knees.
You can melt the ice,
Remove the rust,
Demolish the brick house of sin
From the most shameful and unsearching,
Then restore it perfect life.

To resist Yourself from
Becoming undone that
We might live and
Experience it in Your
Intricate and tender ways,
Requires a restraint unfathomable.
To reveal it in full
Would overwhelm us
As we are residents of
A broken realm.

Your love is strong,
To raise the
Sleeping and awake to
Transform our bodies as
You take us up
To finally see in full and
Be known fully.

Your love is strong.

The Real Reality

I'd rather be there
In the land that touches light.
The glimmer of a thousand sparkles
Leaves my mind breathless and frozen as
They're dancing upon the water and
Resting behind open eyes.
The wind seems to carry its reflection
As if it were something tangible,
Swooping like butterflies
We chase them like little children with
No regard for the world.
Laughter resounds...
From the air,
From all who reside there,
From your mouth.
The pleasure of simplicity
Succeeds all of its competitors.
Light is the currency of
A wealth not yet discovered.
Faith is the sustaining force.
This is better than dreams.

Bless the LORD for His everlasting love.

Sometimes, I think that if I am bold in declaring the Lord's love for me, that somehow I am filled with arrogance.  I tend to easily disbelieve that my Father delights in me and takes joy in me.  I cannot understand how He can be so patient and how He is just not fed up with me and all my wandering ways.  I don't understand how He could have good thoughts about me, when I often only see all of the wickedness in my heart.  All I've ever known is the human way of thinking; it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around it even though I am familiar with the Truth of His Word.

[I don't think it's our job to understand those things.  Our minds are not made to comprehend the answer to the "Why?" or "How?" question.  He does give us revelation with which our spirits testify.]

I am not even aware of the thoughts I was thinking to God, but I realized in a new way that it's not a selfish thing to believe the Lord loves me.  When I believe with all my heart and openly attest to how richly the LORD loves me and takes joy in me, weak as I am, it is not in elevation to myself.  It is for the GLORY OF MY FATHER!  It is to broadcast that He is the one full of true unconditional love.  It is to testify that everything He says in His word is true.  There is nothing I can or could ever do to earn His love or make Him love me.  I cannot BE good enough - there is NOTHING good in me.  He is my goodness and it is because of His goodness and kindness that He loves me.  I never again want to belittle or dishonour the reality of who God is.  To say He is full of expressive love for me is totally glorifying to HIM, not me!  

I can be confident in Him.  He is the Good Shepherd who loves and genuinely cares for the welfare of His sheep.  It is not a burden for Him to do all the things necessary.  He NEVER grows weak or weary, but gives might to those who lack.  He desires to protect me and to take care of my wounds.  He disciplines me because of His love and to keep me from doing the things that bring myself harm and danger.

I am nothing but a stupid, senseless sheep, but I must trust and learn from my so, so Good Shepherd who is so diligent and careful with me.  I cannot keep wandering off towards other things or looking to the example of another [I know that if and when I do these things, He will come for me], I must hone in on the One with the rod and staff, the One with the ointment, the One full of safety.  I must know and hear His voice.  

My heart is so full and is rejoicing in the freedom of celebrating Christ's love for me.  Nothing can ever separate me.

It Was All To Never Say Farewell

As the dawning light catches my eyelids,
Fingers walk up my arm;
Hands cover my face to
Evaporate the fragrant streams
That have faded through these facial lines.
It was all for comfort.

The bridging gap between
White lies and narrative is that
We trust each other.
We started off slow,
Forging memories in our minds.
Our hands were seldom tied.
It was all for convenience.

I buried my face in your chest,
Hoping to ignore the truth and
The pain coupled with its presence.
This no longer matters.
We've severed the
Fabric keeping this intact.
We have to let go.
It was all for charity.

Moments ago,
When I made m way through the door,
I turned to face a corrupting fortress
Stroking the balance of
Heartbreak and candor.
It was a beautifully compelling
Choice of solitude.
It was hard to say goodbye.
It was all for contentment.

The actions that withered
Stand corrected as
You build palatial walls around
The place we stand.
Permanent features took root in the grass.
You turn our old house into a warming fire.
The embers are floating like
Golden stars around your royal face.
I will never say goodbye.
It was all for completion.