Funk.

I have been in such a funk these last few days.  I've been edgier than normal, easily irritable.  I find myself wanting to do or say [or not do] certain things that are abnormal for me.  I've had to keep myself from being rude, although I'm not so sure how well I've controlled my facial expressions.  I've been somewhat apathetic: not really showing much interest in people and not wanting to give much effort for things.

I need more of Jesus to shine through and take over my wicked tendencies.  I need more of His love to consume me.  I need more love for Him.  I must be dependent upon grace, not merely excused by it.  

There are so many different things running through my head and my heart.  I feel like I'm on the fence about a lot of things that pertains to my life.  I kind of feel too unstable to make certain decisions that I can complete.  I'm confused about some things.  Maybe the most important decision that is left to be unmade is the decision to live my life as one that I do not own... as a life with a Lord who has full control.  Maybe it's time to let go, to submit, to die.

There are fears that have not yet been fully surrendered.  The fear of not upholding what I say I will or will not do.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of not pleasing man.  Fear of looking foolish.  Fear of living life my way and not God's and not caring.  Fear that man's/world's opinions and standards will taint and distort the truth from the Word, and that I won't even notice.

I need to stop thinking that the pressure is on me.  That I have to conjure up my own faith, my own self-control, my own truth... All these things comes from Jesus.  He lives and dwells within me, and He will live and dwell through me.  I can only rely on His strength and grace.  I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, nothing good in of myself.  Jesus is my goodness.  He is the well from which my faith is drawn.

I love Jesus, and I believe in Him who the Father sent.  I am known by Him if I love Him. And if I love Him, I obey His commands... Even when it's hard, when it hurts, when life is good, when it's easy to talk yourself into disobedience... There is simply no other way.